The Big Little Question with Despi Mayes

The Big Little Question: A Conversation with Despi Mayes on Satisfaction, Success and Self-Worth

Despi Mayes, a content creator, technologist, and now author, joins the host to discuss her new book 'The Big Little Question', which delves into self-worth and how it impacts professional success and fulfillment. Despi shares her journey of exploring self-worth after facing life-changing circumstances, and presents the concept of 'energy management,' replacing traditional time management. She also shares her unique view on positive affirmations, urging actions instead, as they reinforce conviction through practical evidence. Additionally, Despi provides a glimpse into her upcoming online course 'The You Era', created to assist professional women to embrace their most authentic selves.

Find more about  Despi at www.despimayes.com.

And on Instagram: @despimayes

Get the book at www.thebiglittlequestion.com

More info on the course: www.entertheyouera.com 

We also discuss "Yoga with Adriene", here is her YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

Transcript

Despi Mayes: 0:00

I've done the thing, I've got promoted, I have the good salary, I have the kids and the house and the relationship and all the things that society says are part of the total package. And yet I still feel like something is missing.

Cheryl: 0:49

welcome back friends.

Colleen: 0:51

Hi, friends.

Cheryl: 0:51

to have you here.

Despi Mayes: 0:53

Hello.

Colleen: 0:54

so happy to have you here and we are so excited because we've been really wanting this guest to come on, right?

Cheryl: 1:02

So welcome Despi Mayes. How are you?

Despi Mayes: 1:05

Hey, I'm great and so happy to be here.

Colleen: 1:08

Yes.

Cheryl: 1:09

We're thrilled to have you. So Despi Mayes is a doer, which speaks my language. Over the last 20 years, she has built museum exhibits, corporate websites, and mobile apps and marketing plans. At her professional core, she's a content creator and a technologist, but her other titles have included keeper, board chair. Afterschool art teacher. There's no single definition that can pin her down. Her latest project is a book, the Big Little Question, which explores how self-worth satisfaction and success are inextricably linked. The book is a toolkit for overwhelmed professional women high looking at me, who are ready to stop repeating exhausting cycles and settle into rich satisfying lives they love. Okay, great. Glad you're here.

Colleen: 1:57

Uh, I wanna just highlight something that I think is really important before we do like, jump right into this. What I love about listening to your bio Despi is. I feel like very similarly, I've done a million things and you've done a million things. And I think in previous times in society that's looked at as like bad, right? Or that like you're jumping around or you're not stable or X, Y, and Z. But I mean, I think like when I listen to all of that, I'm like, Well, that is really cool, like amazing that you can use all of your talents in such a different, different ways, and that you have so much value to bring to people, including like a beekeeper, like my brain's, like you're the coolest person, um, I've ever met. So I'm super excited to just dive into all of this, so, I mean, I know we have a billion questions, Cheryl, where do we even start with this?

Cheryl: 3:00

Well, Despi, we read your bio, but. Tell us who you are.

Colleen: 3:04

Yeah, that's

Despi Mayes: 3:05

I, I'm so glad that that bio was resonant because, I've really been struggling at this point in my career to talk about who I am and what I do in a way that fits into any one category. And recently I just decided to stop trying. I think that my background is so diverse and, as I'm considering What do I wanna do next? Who do I wanna work with? Those kinds of questions. there's not one single answer that is true all the time, right? It's always changing and evolving, and I wanna be open to whatever's coming and be present with the people who show up in my life and I connect with. And so this bio. And this way of just looking at career and life is new for me, but it really is not new, right? It's just new. My accepting it is new

Colleen: 3:58

Yeah, and I think the more we talk about,

Cheryl: 4:01

in.

Colleen: 4:02

yeah, nobody puts baby in a corner or a box, but I think what's cool is, I'm starting to see that a little bit more, and I feel like I've done a similar evolution where I've tried to like, be like, oh, no, I, I know so much about real estate because I did, I, you know, because I was in construction, in design, blah, blah, blah. But it's also like I had 13 years of a completely different career prior to that, and. We shouldn't be hiding those experiences and we shouldn't be hiding the fact that, that these are different. I think there's a thread between all of those things and why you've chosen those things. And I, I really think the more we talk about it, the more we normalize, like change and evolution, the more helpful that is to so many people, especially women. I think this is a, something that hits women in a very deep way because. Our life changes depending on, on the stages of life that we're in.

Despi Mayes: 5:01

Absolutely. And I think also The definition of who we are is informed so much by the fact that we're women. You know, it certainly isn't the only aspect, right? But it is one that for better or worse, we have to navigate the the pros and the cons of that. And this book, as I was writing it, I had a really amazing accountability partner who is a man. Who found the topics in my book, totally resonant. as I was finishing it and working with my editor, I was really torn because the research I did in writing the book was with women, professional women specifically who are mid-career, really trying to figure out, Hey, what am I gonna do next? Or Why am I not feeling satisfied and fulfilled by what I'm currently doing? You know, this is everything I thought I wanted, and now what?

Colleen: 5:55

Yeah.

Despi Mayes: 5:55

and because so much of what I ended up writing about was so specific to the experience of being a woman at work, my editor said, I think you have to lean into that. You know, people, everyone can get something out of it, but it really is a unique lens to look through.

Cheryl: 6:14

I am noticing constantly the middle-aged men in my life are so lost. They've achieved, they've achieved, they've done everything they were supposed to do and they've landed where target was on and now, and it's the now what? And I, I, kind, I wonder, Despi, I don't know if you have children. I have children. Colleen has children. No, it like maternity leave almost gave me the opportunity to pivot It was, it was like a very clear, like people at work were even like, well, you're not coming back. You're not gonna come back after this. So it was like kind of like a really open door to do that, where like my husband or maybe someone without children doesn't necessarily get that same opportunity or that same, yeah, just chance to do that without people feeling like. You're just abandoning or you're quitting or, or you failed because you left that, like, I never, nobody looks at me and says, Cheryl, you failed commercial insurance and corporate life because you quit. No. They're like, oh, it didn't fit your life anymore. So you made a change. and I think that everybody should be able to take that and do that and run with that. but not everybody gets the same kind of out that some people get.

Despi Mayes: 7:32

That's really interesting. when I wrote this book, I interviewed 50 women. We had these hour long, amazing conversations about life and fulfillment and what that looks like. And so many of them were mothers and they talked about This duality or this challenge of be on the one hand, exactly what you're saying, Cheryl, that the expectations of you at work are definitely in the context of motherhood and then the, all the struggles that come with that. You know, feeling like you're not doing enough in either place, because you're juggling. A lot of people talked about that. But what I thought was really interesting, and that seemed universally true, is that when I asked people, what is it that you think would make you feel the most fulfilled, the most satisfied, or content, the stuff they talked about was, I wish I was taking care of my body. I wish that I was spending time with my kids. I wish that I was pursuing these things that I enjoyed, or things I've dreamt about, but never have taken the time to do. And when I ask them, and I think for men, this might apply too, right? It's like you go through this achievement path and you do, you check all the boxes. And these women were echoing those very same sentiments. Like I've done the thing, I've got promoted, I have the good salary, I have the kids and the house and the relationship and all the things that society says are part of the total package. And yet I still feel like something is missing. but. They haven't given themselves the permission to really get in touch with what is personally meaningful for them. So when I asked them, what is it? What do you think you should do? Almost unilaterally people said, oh, I need a different job. And I thought that was such a funny and interesting thing because, tie so much of our satisfaction and our identity into our work. Sometimes to a point where we can't see ourselves anymore, you know, and we can become amazing, awesome. At work. And that part of us we love and it's, it's doing the thing. But when we're not at work, we don't really know who we are. And this book is really written for people who are struggling with that feeling of like, I, I'm killing it at work. You know, I feel I've completed my, my trajectory for my goals, but now what, how do I, at the end of the day, when I put my head on the pillow at night, feel fulfilled.

Colleen: 10:06

So relatable because you're told from such a young age, right? You go to school, you go to college, you get a job, you get married, you have children, you do X, Y, and Z and people are achieving that. I would say in a, in a span of a life, really early on, you've checked, like you keep saying, like we've said, and I've definitely felt this and career change has been the thing that I think for me has kept, kept, I don't wanna say kept me alive, but like kept my spirit alive, is to be able to change and evolve. But because when you get to a point like I. Like I said, I was in sports medicine for 13 years. I checked all the boxes and I worked in every level of that, from professional and to middle school. Right. And now I'm like, and now what? Now there's nothing left for me to do. And I, and you feel that so personally and you feel like you're the only one that that's happening to, but you interviewed a hundred women, like, and that is pretty universal. And I, you know, it's so interesting and I love that you're bringing that To the forefront or to the conversation that, you know, like this is normal and, and there's no roadmap. There's an early checklist. We love checklists on the show. There's an early checklist given to us in life, but it ends so abruptly. And then, and then what? Where's the checklist for the rest?

Cheryl: 11:34

I am watching right now on Max or HBOA docu the 1980s docuseries, just about like all the changes that happened in 1980s. And I am gonna point some fingers at 1980 for fucking up a lot of shit in this world, um, because.

Colleen: 11:49

Like what the,

Cheryl: 11:50

Best and worst. They were great, but the 1980s was obsessed with money and wealth and living big and all. Like it really kind of set us up for these lifestyles and these like career-driven paths and Princess Diana rest in peace like you did that big princess wedding and now capitalism around weddings is insane because everybody saw Princess Diana's weddings and then that set the norm for what each of us are a princess on our wedding day. And like there's just so many things that date back to the eighties that I'm like. Holy smokes. Would you look at that? Anyhow, just been watching this docuseries and I'm obsessed with it. So, and you can use our endorsement code. We're sponsored by HBO, ladies and gentlemen,

Colleen: 12:33

Well, and to that point, I think that's, there's a really, there was a big push during that time for career women and breaking the glass ceiling. And this is when We talk about latchkey kids, this is when we talk about women going full force in, into the workforce and trying to be equal. And that equality was clearly not there, obviously, but pushing so hard. And the effect that that had, and I don't mean this in a. Um, traditional, patriarchal way, but the effect that that had on children, right? Like this was the first time, you know, like other than like during wars and stuff like that, where women were full force with their shoulder pads walking into boardrooms and, really being CEOs on a larger scale and really being in the workforce and they're not being a parent at home. Not always being a caretaker at home. And I think that that changed who we are and who, you know, if you're born in the eighties and the nineties, like how you were raised and how those societal goals were set for you and. We were supposed to be really high achievers and a lot of us are, and now we've achieved all the things too early Now we don't. It's like, it's like that thing where you're like, I know what to do with my hands. Like that's kind of where we're at now, right?

Despi Mayes: 13:59

Yeah, That's a good way of saying it. I like that metaphor. Yeah, it's true. And I think that all that achievement is awesome, right? And, and women having the option to do whatever they're called to do. I think that the conflict that seemed to come up as I talked to folks was that Yes, I can do anything, but what do I really wanna do? You know, it's like I get on the path and that path is usually related to education and or work, and then family and those things start to intersect, and you have so many roles and identities attached to all those. And then what's left for me? From a time standpoint, from an energy standpoint, you know, just having the head space to really think about, well, who am I at the end of the day, outside of all that stuff. And the, it's important stuff and it's stuff that matters to us. You know, I'm somebody that is really achievement oriented. I love work. I don't envision myself retiring on a beach somewhere. You know, I wanna be working and doing things. but I still think that work has a limit. In terms of how it can contribute to my wholeness.

Colleen: 15:11

Mm-Hmm.

Despi Mayes: 15:12

And I think that's the the what next to really answer your question. And what this book is about is what do you do when you get to that place where you feel like you've checked all the boxes and you're not sure what to do, but you know you need to do something. And so for me, I really went through this journey. In a cute way. in 2019, I lost my job and it was kind of unexpected and I had been through a ton of other life changes the, in the year prior. So I'd gotten divorced, I'd moved into my dream little tiny house, and I started dating someone new. And I had this job and I felt so secure and safe, and I knew who I was and all of that, right? And I lost this job. And then the person I was dating, had brain surgery and it was a really tumultuous time. You know, I, I didn't know what. Was gonna be next for me, but I knew that I needed to take a minute and I couldn't just jump right back into the next thing and keep spinning through the same cycle that I had been doing for my whole life, which is 20 years of really intense careering and really looking for meaning from work, you know? And so when I started digging in there. To figure out what was gonna be next for me, how was I going to get in touch with a, a part of me that felt more solid and more sure. I really started having, to look at How do I know that I matter? And, you know, I wrote a lot about self-worth in this book and I, I really was hesitant to, because I felt this reader, this busy, overwhelmed, successful, driven woman reading my book and saying, really, I just need to learn to love myself. Gimme a break. You know, like I literally had that. Yeah. Yeah. But it really is true. I found that for myself, I was using success out external success as the way in which I got any kind of worthiness that I felt worthy in any way. And when I had this big fall. Everything in my life changed. I realized it was all temporary, it was all external, and until it could come from the inside, I was never gonna be able to really enjoy all that stuff I was chasing. So I went through this process. I started asking myself this question, what would I do if I believed I inherently matter? And this question really helped me figure out what would I do, because in the past I had asked myself what would I do to get promoted? Uh, what would I do to get someone to love me? What would I do to get noticed? What would I do to be successful? But I had never asked, like, internally, what would I do if I believed that I matter? And I don't have to try. I just, I showed up mattering.

Colleen: 18:15

Mm-Hmm.

Despi Mayes: 18:15

How would I change my behavior, you know? And it was a really powerful question.

Colleen: 18:22

and yeah. I know. I'm like, what? What happened? So when you did that, what, like, are you doing that? Like, then what? Then what? I'm like, should we do this? Are we, you know, like, what are we doing? What happens Then? Tell us.

Despi Mayes: 18:37

Yeah, so I always, I did wanna blabber on and on and on, you know,

Colleen: 18:42

no.

Despi Mayes: 18:43

uh,

Colleen: 18:44

Literally this is the first time on the show. Both Cheryll and I have been speechless and we're like waiting for you to like tell us what to do.

Despi Mayes: 18:54

well, the it, when I asked myself this question, the answers I got were comedically simple. At first, the first two things I heard when I asked this question, and I just listened for the quiet little voices inside of me to bubble up and ask for something. The answers were, if I believed I mattered, I would do yoga and I would drink green juice. And I know both those things make me sound like Gwyneth Paltrow, and I'm not, that's not where I'm going. But both of those things make me feel amazing and I. In different parts of my life, had done both of those things in probably unhealthy ways. you know, too obsessed or whatever. But gentle yoga is so good for my overstimulated body. Like I am so busy and up and I don't, I. Rest as much as I should rest. And, yoga is such a way for me to be active and restful and I really appreciate that. and green juice is, something I use as a travel, like when I travel, I feel like green juice is this magical antidote takes care of jet lag. It keeps your tummy happy. It's like, I don't know, there's just something in it that I think is magical and I feel like superwoman when I drink it. But both of these things, what's that?

Cheryl: 20:08

nutrients is

Despi Mayes: 20:09

Yeah.

Cheryl: 20:09

it. That's magical.

Despi Mayes: 20:11

yeah,

Colleen: 20:12

You are not the first person

Cheryl: 20:14

I'm a business major. I didn't, I didn't do any nutrition classes, but if I had to venture a guess, I think the magic potion inside of it is all the nutrients and

Despi Mayes: 20:22

Yeah,

Colleen: 20:23

Yeah, and they must be like absolute crack because anybody who drinks green juice like will tell.

Cheryl: 20:29

Looking at you, Stephanie Olivero, we see you with.

Colleen: 20:33

and I, my friend Jen, like people who are green juice people are like. It, it's magical. And what are the hell are the rest of us? Non green juice, drinking people even doing.

Cheryl: 20:48

I dunno, but I guess I'm making room in my kitchen for a juicer. Okay, keep going Des.

Despi Mayes: 20:53

So the thing about both of those things is that they were the nagging things that week after week I, my body was asking for them and I was just saying, not right now. No. Too busy. Too busy. Don't have time. I'll do it next week. I'll do it tomorrow, I'll get to it. And eventually, all of those times that we put ourselves off What we're basically saying to our psyche is, I don't matter. I don't matter. Work matters. More kids matter. More husband matters more partner matters more. Right? It's just like that's what we're saying over and over. When our mind, our emotions, our body is, is asking for something and we just. Don't make time for it. It's just this constant stream of reinforcement that we don't matter as much as all the other things in our lives. So I did these things and I did them in kind of a ritualistic way where I got all the ingredients and I cut all the things and I juiced all the parts, and I drank this juice, and I drank this juice with this belief like I, when I believe I matter. I take the time to do this for my body and like as I was drinking, it was like medicine, you know? Same with the yoga. I love yoga with Adrian. If you don't know yoga with Adrian, she's a YouTube. Yeah, she does yoga

Cheryl: 22:16

We are sponsored by yoga with.

Colleen: 22:20

Sorry, this is this new thing we're doing where we're getting sponsorships people don't even know.

Despi Mayes: 22:25

like it. Yeah.

Cheryl: 22:30

Sorry, yoga, When you do your yoga, you.

Despi Mayes: 22:33

Yeah, same thing. So I love yoga with Adrian because it's easy, it's accessible, it's on YouTube. She does yoga with her dog, Benji, and he's adorable. And so I did the same thing where I did this slow kind of short yoga flow. I ended up spending 30 minutes that first week on myself, and I felt this little buzz, this little boost of, oh my gosh, I am feeling how much this affects my attitude. And so I did it the next week and I had the same result, and then I started asking the question in all kinds of situations. If I believed I mattered, how would I respond to this email? How would I show up in this relationship? I. How would I allow this person to talk to me? How would I respond? You know? And so by looking at everything through that lens, I just started doing this very mindful practice of week after week, choosing an action to take in my book. I call them actions that matter as basically a scientific method to say if I keep the promises I make to myself. How does it impact my feeling of worthiness? And in the process, I started discovering all these things that I actually find satisfying, like organizing a messy drawer or, you know, Curating an outfit in a really intentional way or you know, just like small things. That added a lot of satisfaction to my everyday life. And I think when we think about what it takes to actually feel fulfilled or content, we think about those big milestone driven goals, and that's where we get lost. It's like if you're always looking for some. Promotion or some milestone in your life that is gonna do it. Those are just so few and far between. We, we don't reside in the energy of those things very often. You know?

Colleen: 24:32

Or to the flip side of that, like if you are somebody who is a, like a super goal oriented and goal achiever, once you achieve the goal, you're kind of like, well, now what? Now? Okay, I guess I need something different now. I, you know, like it's a Nonstop process where you're like, oh, I have this big goal I'd like to achieve. Oh, okay, I achieved it. Shit, now I have to do something else. is very interesting. But the other thing that I really love that I'm hearing you say, and we've talked about self-care and we've talked about things like that, but You know, people will be like, self-care is drinking a green juice and self-care is doing yoga. But what you are, what I hear you saying is self-care is having is caring enough about yourself. To do those things. It's not the thing, it's not the drinking of the juice, but it's the intention behind why you're drinking the juice, because you matter. Because that's important because you are worthy of taking the time to cut up all your vegetables and put'em in the juicer and worthy to take the time to do the yoga. And I love understanding that a little bit more and understanding how, you know, because. Everybody's like, self-care is a, is an eye mask. And it's like, well, maybe self-care isn't the eye mask. But self-care is the, i, i, matter enough, I'm worthy enough to take the time to do that. And I think that's a really beautiful way to to frame it and, and to understand and be really intentional with, with what you're doing. and I just, um, I am so like Mesmerized by you. And that is like weird to say, but I think that that is so cool and so interesting and I, and I, I'm like, tell us what's in the book, but also don't tell us because we obviously all need to read it. You know, like it's really.

Cheryl: 26:26

I am also mesmerized today, but I am, I have noticed 2024, so end of 2023, I. Slowed down. I stayed home a lot with the kids. I read a lot. I slept in. I really like slowed down. And then coming into 2024, I'm like on fire for all of my goals. But I'm also doing very intentional things like, okay, this is hilarious, but one of my New Year's resolutions is I'm not gonna take my phone to the bathroom with me anymore

Colleen: 26:55

How do.

Cheryl: 26:56

and here's what I've said to myself though. I deserve the 30 seconds to a minute. To just be here alone and single task and do one thing, like I deserve some downtime another day when I hurt my hip. If you follow me on Instagram, I had a fluke hip incident, I could hardly walk. And I came home and I turned the Taylor Swift concert on for the girls.'cause I've been wanting to see it. And I laid down on the bed and I thought to myself, I should get up and get my computer. I can edit an episode. Then I said, no, you deserve to just lay here. You don't feel your best and you deserve to just lay here and do nothing. And that is what I did. I laid there with my feet up and I did nothing. And it's not, it's, it's the, the part behind it, like you were saying, Despi, it's like the telling myself that like this action fine, this action by itself, great. Whatever. I got some rest, but. Telling myself like, I deserve this. I am worthy of just sitting still. I'm still worthwhile to the world if I don't feel every fucking second of my life with a task. So I'm just like hearing this and it's this revelation that I didn't realize I've been having

Colleen: 28:09

Yeah.

Cheryl: 28:09

I'm so grateful for you putting words to it. You have another thing that you're passionate about that I'm super passionate about too, and it's. Energy management is the new time management

Colleen: 28:19

This was gonna be my question that I was also like holding back and trying not to blurt ever. And so and so. Tell us, tell us all about energy management versus time management because I think time management sucks and I don't like it.

Despi Mayes: 28:39

Well, I'm one of those people. I live and die by my calendar. If my calendar doesn't tell me where to be, I am not there. so I'm not saying time management isn't a thing. But I know plenty of women who are super organized. They have the planner and the Google calendar and all the things, and yet they still feel completely depleted at the end of the day. And they're like trying to figure out, why don't I have the energy to brainstorm what's next in my business? Think about, you know, where I wanna go on vacation, whatever the, the energy Need is. Right. And I think it's because we are managing time as though we have an infinite amount of energy. And so we, instead of really thinking about do I have the capacity emotionally for, for this thing that I'm about to add to my calendar, we just say, do I have the time? And we do all the creative things we can to Plan a calendar that is technically feasible, like I can get from this place to this place and this many minutes. So I'm gonna cram that in versus do I? Well, I actually feel like that, you know, and I was talking with a friend recently about, um, we were trying to plan a get together. And I said, do you feel like you'll want to do that after you have this really busy week? And she said, oh my gosh, I don't ever think about that. You know? And it's that sort of question, like, will I feel like at 5:00 PM taking that extra call when I've had back to back to calls and I probably still have to pee from lunch? Like, probably not like

Cheryl: 30:17

Girl. Yes.

Colleen: 30:19

Yeah.

Cheryl: 30:20

I keep thinking about these memes I see on Instagram where it's like, I know I said I'd come tonight, but I was younger than when I agreed to that. And that's like, that's kind of this, it's like I didn't consider the fact that I won't have any energy left. I have started to do, a time block, but for energy. Because like after a long weekend, like I'm getting ready to go to Vegas next weekend and I am gonna block half of Monday to just be home and do nothing. and if I wanna do something in that time, great. If I wake up and I have the energy to do it, but I'm not going to put that obligation on myself. I'm just gonna stop. And the other thing I really wanna start doing is stopping scheduling meetings like outside of my house before 10:00 AM. Like I don't wanna do that to myself. I want to have time. To start my day and like do this morning routine, but like the slow roll.

Colleen: 31:13

right.

Cheryl: 31:14

And one other thought, I I mean, and this is essentially what you're saying, but like, schedule your day around your energy and not your time. And so Colleen and I have talked a lot lately about like at different times in our cycle, you know, like I know that I'm like, I have a headache and I'm dead for like three days prior to starting my period. And like, so look at your calendar when you're scheduling, like exactly what you said. Will you have energy for this at that time? Like that should be a filter that we're all running through every appointment. Right now before we put it on the calendar is, will I have energy at that time? And I'm very quick to be like, oh, yep, okay. I've got a block Exactly like you're describing. Like it's me, I'm that person. but I'm slowly noticing, I'm making small shifts in that direction,

Colleen: 31:59

And people, I think this is so interesting. I have a couple thoughts on this one. We give so much energy, I. To people outside, right? Like people outside of our family unit basically. And we give them energy and we give them energy and we bring it and we bring the smile, we bring the everything that by the time I get home, I, I, I have to, it is, and my.

Cheryl: 32:27

Dig deep.

Colleen: 32:27

It is the dig deep. It is the let me sit in my car for five minutes in silence so that I can reenergize and walk into the house and bring the energy to my family. But what I love about this concept is like we don't need to to drain everything out every day, all day. and maybe also like Your family and, and yourself. Like you deserve to have some energy at the end of the day or you deserve, like they deserve to have that and you deserve to have that. the other thing I'm thinking about when you were, when, when you were talking Cheryl, about scheduling, and we're talking about time blocking is also like certain people need more energy and certain people suck more energy from you. So maybe it's like being more intentional about how you're scheduling. Those things like, if you have a client who you know is going to need a lot of your energy, like maybe you don't schedule three of those in a row, you know, or like maybe you don't do five meetings back to back to back. Like I did to myself this morning. I've been sitting in this chair for like almost three hours, three and a half hours straight now. Every single meeting has been amazing and lovely and wonderful and but needed a lot of energy and a lot and a lot to give. I think that's cool to start thinking about those things about how we're energy planning for the future.

Despi Mayes: 34:02

I think there's also a lot of ways that, that you can start small by looking at your calendar and looking at places where you always feel pinched. I. You know, like we've all got something in our lives that's a recurring whatever. And when that thing comes up, you feel like, uh, for some reason, you know, it's great to start there and how could I feel better about that? You know, I had a, a coaching client who would get a phone call on her way home from a relative who kind of, to your point, Colleen was just like, you required lots of energy. And so she arrived home from work with her family and felt like she had nothing left to give.'cause she'd given every last drop on that phone call on the way home, you know? And so it's hard. I think a lot of the conversation, and I talk about this in my book and how you can put this into action, is around boundaries. And we kind of groan. I feel like sometimes when we think about boundaries, because it's uncomfortable and You know, it definitely requires us to rub up against what other people expect of us and, and maybe challenge that. But we have to do that if we wanna value our Actual experience every day and bring the energy we wanna bring to all the relationships in our life. We have to take control of that instead of being reactive to it. And that can be a hard thing to do. So the, the, one of the big themes of my book is do it gently. Just ease into it and do it gently. You know, we don't have to tear it all down, burn it all down and start over. You know, we can kind of look for the places where we are in control. We set the boundary, we enforce the boundary, and that is a perfectly sane and safe place to start.'cause you can affect a lot just on your own. And then you can go to the concentric circle out where you're asking people in your life for different things, right? But there's a lot we can do just with, with ourselves before we even get to that point and feel a ton better.

Colleen: 36:01

And I was thinking also, you know, like when I talked to Cheryl, she gives me a lot of energy like that those conversations are energizing, right? So it's not that people always suck your energy, but it's like understanding who gives you energy, what gives you energy and, and who really sucks the life out of you. There are people that do that and sometimes. Inevitable. Right? And sometimes you have to give those, that energy to people. But we've talked a lot about like, to your point of doing this slowly, but like kind of eliminating as you can those things or those people that, that suck your energy and put yourself in rooms where you're, you're feeling energized when you leave versus while that networking Group was really exhausting and I now don't, I need to sit in silence for 10 minutes before, you know, so I think that that is something that's gotta be part of the conversation too, is like, who's your circle and who are you with and what are they giving and, and what are you giving to them as well? I think that that's really important.

Cheryl: 37:14

One of, one of the things on your list that you wanna talk about, and this is such like a so positive affirmations. It's such a hot, it's so hot right now.

Colleen: 37:24

So hot right now.

Cheryl: 37:25

And what do you believe instead of positive affirmations, like what is your, what's your belief around this?

Despi Mayes: 37:31

Yeah, I, the opening line of my book is I hate affirmations, and I was so nervous about putting that in print because I know it's a controversial statement. I, I, I don't hate them for you. If they work for you, I love them for you. But,, for me,

Cheryl: 37:45

Ladies and gentlemen, hot take.

Colleen: 37:48

Wow. This is controversial.

Despi Mayes: 37:51

I know, I just, I find that I call bullshit on myself when I try and put a positive affirmation in there that I don't believe. And as I was doing research for the book, are, you know, we have, This built-in like barometer that we're using. I believe that. I don't believe that I'm gonna take that on board, or I'm not, and so when I say, you know, some, some positive affirmation that I, I don't necessarily believe, but that I, it's a goal. It's like a place I wanna get to. I just shut it down. But when I ask myself a question, And I can allow whatever comes up in response to that question as a valid response. Now I can work with something, you know? And so I really believe in action instead of affirmation, because I think that when you take action like we've been talking about, whether it's protecting your energy, keeping the promises you make to yourself doing things that. Intentionally demonstrate that you matter to yourself. That is building the database in the same way that the database has already been built. When you think about how you have come to the things that you know and believe, for the most part, it's like, okay, I, I learn these things from people I trust or, or in a formal way. But most of the time it's my lived experience and I've gathered a lot of data and I rely on that data to form my opinions. And so. I personally, for me, it works better to take these incremental actions, see the results, and basically prove it to myself in the process rather than trying to affirm my way there.

Cheryl: 39:29

So great. Love that.

Colleen: 39:31

I love it. I more recently like will do affirmations, but I did I did, I was kind of like, oh, bullshit. Like this is bullshit. Like, and they only, I only choose affirmations that I, I don't wanna say that I know that, that I believe in to, to your point, right. But it's also like y'all, we can't be out here being like, my affirmation is I weigh 120 pounds, but like then you're not doing anything to help yourself. Right? Like, it's like you can't, will, I hate using a weight related. Analogy, but it's that

Cheryl: 40:07

Okay, but okay. Can't be seven tall. I am seven tall.

Colleen: 40:11

but that, so that, no, I don't think that that's worked. I think it's like, how about this? Like I want to be, um, I wanna have like really big arm muscles. I'm gonna will myself. It is something that I can achieve, right? It is achievable, but only if you believe it and only if you take the action to do it right. I can't just re write in my journal, my affirmations journal, like I have really big arm muscles, like, great, great.

Despi Mayes: 40:41

right. I think for me it was around, it definitely. I encountered this in a big way. I worked with an intuitive eating coach'cause I really struggled with all that stuff. Weight and diet and health, and I was trying to find. A gentle way to work with, with my body instead of try to do something to it, you know? And I really struck, she gave me affirmations and I really struggled with them. And in another way, in business, there's so many people out there telling you to just every day that you are a millionaire, you are a, a boss, babe. You know what? Whatever the thing is, and I, yeah.

Cheryl: 41:20

We are sponsored by Boss Babe, go ahead, keep going.

Despi Mayes: 41:25

But you know, I did not inherently believe those things. And to your point, Colleen, there's a lot of steps in between of getting from where I am now to, I'm a millionaire boss babe, and I need action to get me there. And what makes me feel good and bolstered and, um, moving forward is I'm making these incremental commitments and I'm keeping'em, you know, I just felt like that was so much more impactful for me.

Colleen: 41:51

and that goes along with a lot of the themes that we talk about as far as consistency and persistence, right? Like same thing, right? Like if you wanna be the millionaire, it's, it's, you know, there's a quote and I, and I don't know who said it, but it's like persistence beats talent or consistency beats talent every time. It's, that's the same thing, right? That those are the actions. That will win every single time, right? I can hope that I'm gonna be a millionaire, but it ends there, right? If it's all just hope.

Cheryl: 42:27

and that speaks to like the vision boarding and the goal planning and like, okay, great, you did that. Now run every task and every action that you're gonna fill your very precious time with when you have the energy and capacity to do it. If you're running it through those filters and making sure those actions and those tasks are moving in the direction of becoming a millionaire, getting the killer arms, you know. Being seven feet tall, then you are like, you've gotta run them all through that filter. And if you are writing, like, you know, for the people that are writing down these aspirations and stuff, okay, great, because that's putting it at the front of your mind in the, in the morning or whenever you're doing it so that you then hopefully if you're going to achieve, you're gonna run them all through that task that, that, that filter before you do it. Okay, Despi, what's next? What is next for you, my friend? Because I wanna be there.

Colleen: 43:23

tell'em about your launch party. our local listeners.'cause we have local Indianapolis listeners and Des is local. So tell us about your launch party.

Despi Mayes: 43:31

Well, there is a launch party on the 23rd, but I think this episode is airing the next day, so

Colleen: 43:36

Oh God. Well, the party was great. I had a great time. I loved it. It was.

Despi Mayes: 43:43

Yeah. So the, the big little question. Yeah. Okay. So the, the launch party for the big little question if you're in, in Indianapolis, is happening at Maven Space. if you'd like to attend, I would love to send you an invitation. You can find me on Instagram@despimayes or despimayes.com, and I would be happy to send you an invite. the big little question is available everywhere today on January 24th. Yay. Launch day. And, the next thing is I am launching an online course called the You Era. It is really intended to help women. It has a lot of exercises from the book, but lots of extra stuff too. So it will help professional women kind of thinking about how do I show up for myself as the most amazing, authentic version of myself? So you can check that out at entertheyouera.com. And sign up, and there's community associated with that. So I'm really excited about that next chapter and really getting this word out and, and having the opportunity to be a part of other people's journey and and share what I've learned along the way.

Cheryl: 44:55

Des, I have never been so happy that somebody got laid off in 2019. You. Either

Colleen: 45:04

people, I think everybody needs just like, listen, listen to what I'm saying. Okay. Because I know what I'm, I know what I'm talking about. Everybody just needs to buy the book and then take the course because. I would, Cheryl and I are very, not to be weird, but like we're very magnetic people and we're very like, people are attract. I am just absolutely mesmerized by you and I know that that's like such a weird thing to say twice in a row, but I just think that you are so cool and so real and, and such, like what a cool thing that you're doing

Cheryl: 45:40

So much to offer.

Colleen: 45:42

so much to offer.

Despi Mayes: 45:43

Gosh, I am blushing. I don't know if people are seeing this online.

Cheryl: 45:49

We are now, ladies and gentlemen, if you have not caught us on our YouTube channel, we do have a YouTube channel, and we are actually sponsored by YouTube, ladies and gentlemen,

Colleen: 45:59

Yeah.

Cheryl: 46:00

I'm, I'm clearly interviewing a spots, ladies and gentlemen, so, uh, affiliate codes and, Despi. Well, thank you. So very much, this has been like the most incredible hour of my life, and, I wish you the best of luck with your book launch. I have no doubt you're gonna be wildly successful and I can't wait for my signed copy

Despi Mayes: 46:20

yeah. Sounds great. Thank you so much to you both for having me. It's been so awesome talking with you.

Colleen: 46:25

Thank you. You're amazing.

Cheryl: 46:28

all.