The Art of Friendship: Navigating Relationships, Growth and Conflict with guest: Susie Adamson

In this episode, the hosts bring friend and regular podcast guest, Susan Adamson, back into conversation. They discuss the process and dynamics of friendships, how they change over time, and how they help in personal and professional growth. They touch upon the subject of conflict in relationships and how it is necessary to address it, rather than avoid it, in order to maintain and strengthen those relationships. The hosts, along with Susie Adamson, share personal stories and experiences about maintaining friendships amidst a busy life schedule, dealing with conflict in relationships, and how relationships have evolved over the years. They stress on being open and giving people the benefit of the doubt, acknowledging differences and taking control of one's life rather than feeling like a victim.

RE Coaching: rebusinessessentials.com
Real Estate Agent Greater Philly area Compass
Instagram: @SusieNJPA
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Transcript

Cheryl: 0:00

Well, here's the thing. I have two narratives I create when someone doesn't get back to me. Number one, they're mad at me, but number two in this, I go to this one more often is All my friends must be planning me a surprise party nobody's answering. So they're all together planning me a surprise party.

Susie: 0:15

That is not what I expected as

Cheryl: 0:49

Hello again, my friends.

Colleen: 0:50

friends.

Susie: 0:52

Hi.

Colleen: 0:53

special friend today here that we're so excited about always having every single day of our life in our life. Cheryl, do the honors.

Cheryl: 1:04

Welcome Susie Adamson back to the podcast

Susie: 1:07

Thank you.

Cheryl: 1:08

flyer.

Susie: 1:10

Thank you.

Cheryl: 1:12

We're so happy to have you. We talk about you every day, every minute. We're obsessed with you. You're our mentor. friend, and we love you.

Susie: 1:19

I'm here every time, just lurking in the background in.

Cheryl: 1:29

I wish you would text us. I, I know the feeling because my other friend has podcasts and I'll be listening and I'm like, no. Oh, and I'll text her. I text both of the hosts all the time. Like as I'm listening, I'm like, I realize you recorded this three weeks ago, but here I am.

Susie: 1:43

Doesn't matter if I text you because it's

Track 1: 1:46

Susie, for those people who are, maybe this is the first time they're listening to us. This is the first episode they're listening to. Can you tell us who you are? Tell us what you do.

Susie: 1:57

Sure. Well, both of your BI live in Pennsylvania. I'm a mom to two college boys. I am a wife. I'm a dog mom, and I am a realtor and I'm a coach. So I moved to Pennsylvania last summer and starting up a new real estate team to be announced in short order. And that I'm also a process and systems coach, which is.

Cheryl: 2:29

She's made me passionate about it too. Ladies and gentlemen,

Susie: 2:32

I don't think I made you passionate about it. You were already passionate about it.

Cheryl: 2:37

I was,

Colleen: 2:37

She has made me.

Cheryl: 2:39

the spreadsheet.

Colleen: 2:40

Much more interested in processes where prior I was like, I don't even, but wasn't even in my universe to be honest. And now I feel like it's the thing that I talk about all the time and to so many people, like, I'm like, okay, well

Track 1: 2:54

was literally, excited.

Colleen: 2:56

I was in a parent's association meeting yesterday morning and

Track 1: 3:01

you

Colleen: 3:01

would be so proud. We were talking about, and the athletic department or whatever and you know, modifications that are needed there. And I was like, okay, we don't need to reinvent the wheel here. Like where can we go to find the processes and the efficiencies that other schools are using? And everyone looked at me like, oh wow.

Track 1: 3:19

Wow. You are just so smart. I was like,

Susie: 3:26

I love that and isn't that the best compliment is to help someone else look, you know, really great and shine when you're not there. That makes me so proud. But you know, getting people excited about processes and systems is akin to my lifetime mission to have everyone love Brussels sprouts. I love to take the things that historically people have shunned or said no to, and find a way, get.

Colleen: 4:01

Well, I.

Cheryl: 4:02

That's wonderful. I do love Brussel Sprout and I. Processes. You did it for me, girl. Okay. So today we're gonna talk about something incredible female friendships. And we're so excited because we have a lot of friends. You guys are our friends and we are friends with each other. And I know Susie feels passionately about this, do I. Well, I wanna start with this baller statistic that I came across this morning, and it's. Related to the professional advantages that women have from having a strong personal network, especially those who have one to three friends in leadership positions are more likely to have higher authority and pay. This suggests a significant professional advantage from strong female friendships, and that comes from the well by Northwell, which isn't dot edu. So it must be

Colleen: 4:56

That seems legit.

Cheryl: 4:57

smart

Colleen: 4:58

Yeah.

Cheryl: 4:59

Yes. Legit. So I just, I look at this and then I think about like our Compass Mom collective group, and I know that I have felt so inspired and I feel like I've really risen while we've worked together and collaborated together and built our friendships over the last year and a half, almost two years. How do you guys feel? Same.

Track 1: 5:21

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that. And I've said this many times, but I feel like that group of women, one was like a magical unicorn of women that came together at the right time in everybody's right place in their life to really support each other and really add value. And it has probably been. One of the most important things in my career in the last year and a half, the thing that has expanded my business, my life, my everything, my bank account, all of it. And it, and it comes down to the fact that like, yes, we're all professionals, we're all, you know, have, are entrepreneurs, but also like, and we're all women.

Colleen: 6:11

But we also just really like each other and really like there is a real friendship there, and that doesn't always happen in every networking group that you're in or every situation that you're in.

Cheryl: 6:24

I feel similarly with my Bunco group that that started a year ago. Like those friendships really. Improved the quality of my life over the last year. And I'm not a person. I'm not like I, I often will see like in the mom Facebook groups where women are like, I need friends. Is anybody looking for a friend? I'm not that person. I have friends. I have many, many, many dear friends. actually rebranding best friend to dear friend because I don't want to rate or like what's the word? Like, yeah, I don't want to like.

Susie: 6:58

Of friendship.

Cheryl: 6:59

Yeah, there's no hierarchy. I just have many, many dear friends and I'm very fortunate in that I've got dear friends that came from my childhood and I still talk to regularly. I have new friends, I have medium friends, I have situational friends, activity friends. I enjoy people a lot, which is why I've chosen the professions that I've chosen. But, just having these connections with like regular communication with these people has really, really, really improved my quality of life, and I'm very happy. With that, which actually those two groups has motivated a new endeavor. Colleen and I are working on the InspireHER Collective which I've created one in San Luis Obispo. She's opening a chapter in Indianapolis, and we're fine tuning how we can push this out to. More people to help them establish these groups that hopefully will uplift and bring more value to your lives as well. Kind of around this talking point of like surround yourself with the women in authority, the leaders so that you can rise because God, I have felt so much confidence. Rising and I'm in a room reiterating what Susie's told me or what Jen has said or what Colleen said, I'm in a room here saying these things and people are looking at me like, smokes, you're so smart. You're so amazing. And I'm like, I'm just ripping off and duplicating at this point, and amazing that I have surrounded myself with these people that have given me so much knowledge and

cheryl_1_01-26-2024_090916: 8:28

insights.

Susie: 8:29

Well, I think you can take credit for the fact that you have surrounded yourself with those people and that you recognize the strengths that are around you and. This is where, you know, I feel like I can add some, a dimension for you youngins, because the older I get, the more I, the more I just appreciate, frankly appreciate and surrender to how little I know. You know, and I think when you can grow in your humility about that, not a like, and I, I love the definition of humility that CS Lewis says, humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That when we think about ourselves less, the more you can really appreciate and absorb and. Just suck up like a sponge. All the strengths of the people around you, because it really is that beautiful, you know, multifaceted life that we can need that just helps us get through this very difficult existence. No matter what you're going through, we, you know, it just, it's hard, man. Life is hard and it. Surrounding yourself with at least a handful of people you can trust and lean on who can bolster you up. I mean, I've called each of you and I've been like, uh,

cheryl_1_01-26-2024_090916: 10:01

Yeah.

Susie: 10:01

not gonna make any money. Or, you know, I call their friends and when I'm really in a dark place and say, I don't want live anymore, you know, those are, if you don't have anybody there, which. I know there are a lot of people in that circumstance, and that just makes me really overwhelmingly emotional because what a sad life when you don't have people you can trust and.

Track 1: 10:28

Yeah, and I, I really love what you said about. Intentionally putting yourself in those places and intentionally choosing those people. Because sometimes, we'll we will be like, oh, well I'm in this group and I just happen to be in this group. And you know, you kind of like think, oh, well it's just chance, but no, like, it's very intentional and it can be very intentional Who.

Colleen: 10:54

It should be who you're choosing to spend your time with. And we talked to Despi Mayes about like energy management, and I think that is so important. You know, I leave every time I talk to you guys or every time I leave one of our CMC meetings or, or this podcast or whatever, and I am fulfilled and I am happy and I'm confident I might leave going, oh wow, I can be better or whatever.

Track 1: 11:21

But. I never leave feeling like shit. And I think we need to really use that as a barometer of how we're spending our time and who we're spending our time with. Like if you're leaving a situation or a conversation or whatever, with with, with the feeling of. Low self-worth or ugliness or ickiness. Like, sometimes you can't even put a word to it and you're just like, I didn't feel, I don't feel great after that interaction. Like, talk about this, but like, it's okay to just not hang out with those people. I'm having a situation right now where. A friendship where I feel like that friendship is evolving as I evolve and, and sometimes, and I'm having, and I've been talking to Cheryl about this and, and she was just like, is this, is this friendship serving you anymore? And I think sometimes it's hard to. I also mentioned to my husband, he's like, well, maybe you just don't need to be friends with that person anymore. I was like, yeah, I can see that. But it's also, I feel like I've invested so much time and energy into this friendship that I should hold onto it. And so it's not easy to let those things go, but I think, you know, when you, and it might take time, but you know when you need to.

Cheryl: 12:41

When it might not be, like, you don't need to break up necessarily. Maybe you just take a step back and you like slowly let it fizzle. And if you realize you miss it, then you can reignite it. And if you don't, or maybe you'll see that that person really isn't even putting in effort. That's the other thing, like is it a mutual, know, there's, the friendships aren't always mutual the way. But you might need it to be, I can't. I mean, there's so many serving like people that just come from a place of service and like they want to pour into their friendships and they give and give and give and then that person needs something and they just, I. Don't get the same back. That's so heartbreaking. Like one of my very dear friends is that person where she will give and give and give and give and give and give. And then I watch and I try to give and give and give to her because I can see that's her love language. And I so often see other friends in her life that aren't, and she very often feels taken advantage of. And it's like heartbreaking to see that. To your point, Colleen, it's the, you know, the cliche quote, like, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not every friend is gonna be a lifetime friend. are, some are, and some are gonna serve a season, and some are gonna be there for a lesson.

cheryl_1_01-26-2024_090916: 14:03

Yeah.

Susie: 14:04

I think the older I get, the more I, I see the seasons of my life, you know, that like people do. Serve you and you serve them during certain seasons, and they're going to be the people who ride out the seasons, and then they're going to be the people who don't. And that's okay. I think that that's the, like, you know, I've had a couple of friendships recently that I've had to just let go of lot long time friendships and they have evolved to a new stage or a different place. I take the time to mourn that because it is a, a death of a sort, right? It's an it takes adjusting and then to like really welcome the next season of whatever my life is gonna be. But especially in this move from New Jersey to Pennsylvania, I have really embraced the opportunity to let go of a. Energy draining relationships and it has been the highlight of this particular season. I, I didn't even realize how it's very akin to actually, when I moved from New Northern New Jersey at one point to North Carolina years and years ago, it took a good six months or so to adjust to. Absence of the stress that comes from living in a metro area, right? So like when you live in a very congested area and you deal with simple things like the tyranny of parking, I would call it, you know, like that, driving around for half an hour and wanting to leave your car in the street and cry because you. Moving to a place where there's just parking lots everywhere. And like all those micro stresses that you get used to, it's like going to the doctor and they say, what's your level of pain? You say, oh, it's normal. It's six. You know, and they're like, that's not normal. So I realized after being in North Carolina for a while, everyone was so nice and everyone was just at a slower pace. And you know, I deal with and. And I feel like it's the same way here where I am now, just kind of breathing in a different air of relationships. You know, like only allowing the people that are, I don't think the, for me, it's about serving me, but the relationships that are fruitful and productive and healthy, the relationships where it's not unbalanced, where it. Just a drain, like you were saying, Colleen, like that, it's that I leave a conversation or where I feel like someone just asked me the other day what my Achilles heel is, and my Achilles heel is not being understood, not feeling understood, or being misunderstood,

Colleen: 17:05

Yeah.

Susie: 17:06

especially when you're in a relationship and the two of you know this about me. What you see is what you get. I'm all out there. I'm super willing to be vulnerable. I give of myself really freely. And so when people don't receive that in the spirit that I offer it and you know, if they take my forthrightness to be something other than it is, or, you know get hurt when I say things that I don't mean to be hurtful or whatever the case may be, that I feel. That's so painful and like I just, I don't really want those people in my life anymore. I don't want people, I absolutely want to grow and learn, right? All of us should. It's not fun. I don't wanna see, get criticism, but when I receive it in love, I re I respect that. I want, that. I wanna grow all day long. But if it's a, like, you know. I wish you hadn't done that. That was really mean, or that was not nice. What? You know, why did you do that? I think that happens what, even in our marriages, right? Like, I've been married now for 24 years in a couple weeks and. I still have to say to my husband like, stop getting so defensive. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm just speaking the truth. And like, I want you to grow. Right? And of course I can learn to say things differently, but anyway, now I'm rambling. But I just, I really think there's a beauty in filtering your friendships.

Track 1: 18:49

and I think there is also this, like we've said, said it now a couple times, like just how you continue to grow and evolve. You can decide whether your friendships, and this is a perfect example with a marriage, right? Like you see marriages fall apart because of people grow apart, right? Or you see marriages stay together because the people evolve with each other and are willing to have those conversations and willing to have, you know, that friendship. Like when it comes down to marriage, I love my husband so much, but what I say is that, that we are really good friends too, right? And, and that takes work and that takes. Evolution and that takes conversations that are not always right? And that, but that's all real friendship. And I think one of the things that I heard years ago about relationships, and I think it, it was about, you know, like romantic relationships, but also I think it has a lot to do with friendships is don't expect one person to fulfill all of your needs.

Colleen: 20:00

Like, that's unrealistic.

Cheryl: 20:02

My therapist had to tell me that. When Alex and I were in early in couples therapy, and because Alex and I started. Therapy together when we were together for six months. Not because we had a problem really, but I, that's when I was diagnosed with the kidney disease, we did terminate the pregnancy. We went through a lot of grief and loss together things got really hard. And so we started therapy so that we could have tools to get through the next hard part rather than waiting till the fucking wheels were falling off. Which, you know, they eventually did, but at least we had some tools to get through it. But she told me, she's like, he can't be everything. Like he can't be, he can't be all those things for you, Cheryl. You need more people. And I didn't under, I guess I, I don't know why I thought that my partner was supposed to be that,

cheryl_1_01-26-2024_090916: 20:48

Yeah. And.

Cheryl: 20:49

now I, he is one of my closest dearest friends. I mean, I want to spend all my time with him if I could. And. But sometimes I forget to tell'em things'cause I've told all my other friends things and I'm like, oh yeah, we not talking about that. I have put other people in place

Colleen: 21:06

And sometimes you have to have those other people just like you would.

Track 1: 21:10

I don't,

Colleen: 21:10

I, it's a ugly metaphor, but like a toolbox, right? When you're like, listen, I really need somebody to like encourage me. I. It might not be your spouse. It, it could be, but it might not be. It might be your girlfriend that you call up and you're like, listen, I just nailed this photo.

Track 1: 21:26

Shoot. Check out my photos, X, Y, and Z. And they're gonna be like, yes, girl, you freaking killed it. your husband's like, wow, those look really nice. And you're like, Hmm, that's not exactly the response I wanted. Or you know, like, it was so funny. We did this Cheryl and I did our first webinar and Susie was on and I texted her afterwards and I was like. I'm super confident person. Right. And I texted her afterwards, I was like, Hey, how'd I do? Did I sound smart? Because I felt nervous about that, you know? And, but I knew that, I knew that if I texted Susie, she'd be like, she'd gimme the real deal. But in like the kindest, most productive way, you know? And I think, you know, as we get older

Susie: 22:10

and. the answer was yes. You totally smart just to.

Track 1: 22:14

Yeah, thank you. But I think as we get, as you, I don't wanna keep saying older, like as you continue to grow as a person, and by the way, everyone who's listening, Susie keeps saying she's old. She's not old at all. Like I don't want people thinking here, like you're sort of like elderly

Susie: 22:30

I mean, I'm 54 and totally proud of it, but just saying, you know, with age comes experience and wisdom and so like, you know, there is something to it.

Track 1: 22:40

but it's.

Susie: 22:40

I don't downplay

Track 1: 22:41

Putting

Colleen: 22:42

all those tools together as you continue to go through life, right? Like

Track 1: 22:46

we are

Colleen: 22:47

often expected to have it all together right away,

Track 1: 22:53

and

Susie: 22:54

I wanna, I wanna touch on something you said Colleen, about actually both of you, about just having other people around you, not just your husband, because it makes me think of another CS Lewis quote or why I'm quoting him so much today. But this is part of a sermon that I heard years and years ago about why we need to be in community. Our faith walk because he was talking about how his friendships with like JR Tolkien and his, what they called the inklings, this group of writers said when one of them died, they expected that they would get to spend more time with the other people and then get to know them better. But in fact, they knew them less because the perspective that that person brought about each other was unique. And I just think that's such a beautiful reminder that. The more we surround ourselves with people who give us different perspectives, the better we learn about our, you know, the more we learn about ourselves and about the people around us, right? Because they, they just see different things. They see different aspects of you and bring out different things in you. But I do find that like the, you know, this, it also made me think just to get off on another. Tangent makes me think that this is also why we all need a personal mission statement. Like, you know, I'm always talking in my coaching about how important it's to have your mission statement for work. I think the more you know yourself and what your purpose is and what your values are, the better you can filter the people around you so that you can actually have people that are. In the same lane, you know, in the same, at least in the same street, not going to multiple different destinations. And I think we do this sort of subconsciously, but sometimes we don't. Sometimes because of circumstances, like we're in the same dorm or we're in the same job, or we're all moms. We collect people that are not in that same. Right. And then it's hard to let them go. And I have found that like when I moved here, I said to my sister, you may just be my only friend here because my criteria has now become, if you aren't super substantive and or super funny. Then I'm not gonna spend time with you because I just don't have the energy anymore. You know, like I don't, I don't want that. I don't wanna just collect people in my life and fill up my nights. That's not interesting to me. So, you know, I've been able to like whittle down to what's really important. I do have friends, not local like you guys who are just so substantive. Right? That's the other thing, like the more meaningful relations you have, the C Chos, you

Track 1: 25:41

Yeah.

Susie: 25:43

You let in.

Track 1: 25:44

For sure. Cheryl mentioned this analogy the other night in our webinar about like a sieve and like filtering out stuff. And so I had a similar situation where obviously I moved from California to here. Right. And I had two friends here. Two friends, and that's it. No family, two friends. And I really had to. You know, as much as as, as an as enthusiastic as I am and outgoing as I am at my core, I'm really like an introverted person, which I think is, or like an introvert, like I think that that is something people would never think about me. But as a child, I was very shy and whatever. But I really had to go out and I've had this conversation with a friend of mine. She's like, I, why don't people. Call me or whatever, you know? And I'm like, sometimes you just have to be the person that, that puts yourself out there constantly at the start. And then through your sieve you start to filter out, right? So you open up, like if you're in a new place.'cause there's gonna be, there's lots of people who are like, I don't have any friends. How do I make friends? And it's like. Well, you gotta go out there and you gotta talk to people and you have to be the one that's initiating the conversations. And you have to be the one who is interested enough in other people to ask them about themselves. And then you start to see like, who are my people?

Colleen: 27:09

And, and I really believe this'cause I'm a kid who moved around a lot when I was growing up and I became like an expert at friend making because of that. And the first person that you connect with may not be. Your best friend, right? But that might be the starting point. And they might be a really lovely person, but you know, they might not be the person who's going to be your person. So you just keep evolving and you keep kind of finding people and finding friends. And until you get to the point where, where you're at, Susie, where you're like, I, no, not you. I know. I know you already. No, not you already. I know not you already, but you, you look interesting. I'm gonna feel you out.

Cheryl: 27:50

Well, not everybody. Not everybody might not end up being like Susie, Susie could walk through the house she's living in for five minutes and knew she was gonna buy it. just a very fast processor and that might not be how everybody, where everybody gets, but I think when like creating these new friendships. Making these connections. I think it's important to remember that we all need to start with an open heart and an open mind when we're making these connections. And just like, and then just see what happens. Like just come with your truest intentions and your best intentions and have an open mind and understand like this new person that you're being exposed to. Like I, I literally could be friends with anybody because I. I am able to understand that like that person's unique path took them to where they are and has made them that person. And I probably have something I could learn from them or enjoy. Now there are like literally on, I could count on one hand the number of people that I'm like, yeah, I don't actually would, I don't think I'd really wanna be their friend or I couldn't enjoy a friendly conversation with them, let's put it that way. But it's, it's'cause I have an open heart and open mind and it's not like. I'll be best friends with everybody, but I will be friendly with like 98% of the world. And sometimes being friendly leads to like brand new friendships at 38. Like I'm making new friends constantly and hear so often how hard it's to make adult friendships.

Susie: 29:18

I'm the opposite in that I really, I'm like Colleen, like I, I've only recently discovered, I think I am probably more of an introvert than I thought. I really love being with people who give me energy, but I hate small talk. You guys probably know that about me, and in fact, I have little social anxiety about it. Hate small talk. I'm just

Cheryl: 29:44

I don't think I have a lot of small talk. I think I dive right past small

Susie: 29:48

Well, that's the thing. I think if it's like book, I don't like the book in the first 20 pages, then I'm gonna put it down and I kind of feel that way about people. If I can't have a real conversation with somebody in the first. I don't know, 10 minutes, then it's, and like you can, you can feel chemistry, right? Like, and, and don't get me wrong, I've been wrong about a lot of people. My instincts are not that great. But and, and I would say at the same time, even though I'm different from you in that way, where ultimately I'm gonna sift out a lot. I am constantly surprised and you two are a perfect example. I'm surprised and I allow my, I love being surprised by the friendships that I'm making even now. You know, like I don't expect to be make, I think in my thirties I was like, I don't need anymore friends, guys. You know? Like, I've got enough and they're really good friends. I'm good. And I am one of those people who was like, I could have just one child because I wanna pour into that person and every child fractures my attention. You know, I do have two kids. I'm grateful for them and I love them, but like, I like, I like concentration and so I'm fine with just having a few friends and just in the past 10 years, I. So dear to me. Do you know? And I just think that is so delightful. Like it's so delightful.

Track 1: 31:25

I, think it's really funny that you're like, I can talk to somebody in 10 minutes and then be like, bye, because I am kind of like.

Susie: 31:34

And I do. I'm like, bye, I gotta

Track 1: 31:36

bye. So I always tell this story, my best friend Shelby who I've talked about, we've been friends for 20 years. She was the one friend my, that lived here, one of the two.

Colleen: 31:49

And the first time I met her, I tell the story all the time. I was 19 years old, and so we've been friends longer than 20 years. She's really short and blonde. I am not either of those things. And I met her in the parking lot of our, of my sophomore year before we were going into our class, and she came up to me and she's like, hi, I'm Shelby.

Track 1: 32:08

Are you going into the class? And I was like, who is this bitch Like. Yeah, away from me. You are a cheerleader girl type thing, and I am. You're very bubbly. And I am really cool and not that, and I don't like you like, and she knows this right. But what I will say that I have learned is that I will sometimes make a judgment about somebody, or have done this in the past, where you make this initial judgment about somebody and then they start to kind of, I. Peel the onion, if you will. Right. And you start to kind of peel your onion and you realize like, oh, actually, oh wow, she's really cool. She's really funny. Like,

Susie: 32:56

mm-Hmm.

Track 1: 32:57

are some social veneers that we put on initially, and a lot of people do this. And so I, I sometimes you have to get. You have, Cheryl's great at this.

Colleen: 33:07

She's like, no bullshit. She gets right down to it. She's like very real and you are too Suzy. Like very real about like who they are initially, right? But not everybody is like that. And I find sometimes if you're willing to spend a little bit more time, you can find some, some really cool people who might have a little bit of like social. Awkwardness or social anxiety or something like, she was coming into being really bubbly'cause she was so nervous. Like we joke all the time that she, she always gets like really flustered and nervous and like awkward in situations and we're like, what are you doing? Like, be cool. Like chill out. You're embarrassing because she's so cool.

Susie: 33:49

As I said, I'm often wrong. Like I have more than one situation and one very recently. So I don't know what the lesson is here other than like, you know, don't listen to me. But I recently met this woman and I was like, oh gosh, not my people. Totally. In the first five minutes was like, bye-bye, gotta go. And over the course of the next few days, she became one of my favorite people. Right. That happens to me a lot. So I do think there's, there are times when I can sense that it's gonna be too awkward, the conversation isn't flowing, it's gonna be difficult, but then yeah, like everybody's got a story. And so that's why I say like, you. While I do feel like I can make quick judgements about people, I'm also in the camp of stay open and have an open heart and mind because people surprise you all the time

Track 1: 34:45

there's no science

Susie: 34:46

And that's delightful.

Colleen: 34:48

There's no science to this. There's no rule book.

Cheryl: 34:51

Is.

Colleen: 34:52

No

Susie: 34:53

She just hasn't researched it yet.

Colleen: 34:55

There's.

Cheryl: 34:56

Ask everything I love,

Susie: 35:03

do think though, just even in that story that I just told about this person I just met, it ultimately gets down to once I found the Venn diagram of our values and our personalities, then it made sense. Do you know what I mean? Like you just ha, like you said, you have to peel back enough. You have to allow that enough, and sometimes it doesn't happen. But yeah, just being open to that possibility is. Is really lovely. I think no matter what age or stage you're in, you can always be finding people that add something to your life and vice versa.

Cheryl: 35:45

Well, and let's talk about friendships in like very busy seasons of life, because I often see. people like it's a good friendship and then people get busy and it's like three weeks go by and they haven't responded to your text and like how easy it is. I guess going back to our episode about taking things personally, how easy it is to take it personally and be like, oh, they're just, they don't wanna be my friend anymore, or I don't know what I did to them. Like all of a sudden I'm creating this narrative in my head that this person's mad at me. Well, here's the thing. I have two narratives I create when someone doesn't get back to me. Number one, they're mad at me, but number two in this, I go to this one more often is All my friends must be planning me a surprise party nobody's answering. So they're all together planning me a surprise party.

Susie: 36:29

That is not what I expected as your second scenario.

Colleen: 36:32

And you know what,

Cheryl: 36:33

That is the filter that I generally go to first as like probably just to protect myself.

Colleen: 36:38

and I hate a surprise party, by the way. I don't wa I don't,

Cheryl: 36:44

I don't think I've ever had one. I know why. I think everybody's planning me. One, I don't think I've ever

Colleen: 36:47

well, maybe you're gonna get one now, but it's, that is.

Cheryl: 36:51

Well, good luck trying to surprise me, though. I'm very intuitive. Like I smell bullshit a mile away. I can, I can kind of read what's going on, but it's very easy and I think most people fall into the camp where they're like, I must have done something wrong. And they start creating a story in their head where we're in a fight, you know, for lack of a, a better, more eloquent way of putting it. Like, oh, they must be mad at me. We're in a fight where if we could all stop. And give our friends, these people that we've chosen as our friends, the benefit of the doubt that like, oh, maybe they've even typed a response and they just didn't hit send. Like, how often does that happen? You know? Or it's just like if we could slow down and realize, like look at the life that I'm like, I look at the life I have right now, like it's fucking chaos all of the time. Of course, that person is the main character in their story, and they're probably having chaos too, so. To like slow down and give that person the benefit of the doubt and realize like while maybe this friendship isn't feeling balanced right at this moment, I maybe need some grace for that person who may be having chaos over there on their side of the, the story. So, I would definitely encourage people to slow down and give the benefit of the doubt to people when you start to feel like the victim. I also don't want you guys to feel like the victim take control of your life.

Susie: 38:12

I also think it would be nice if we could all agree to, um, be people who tell people when there's something wrong. So like, you know, I have a, a relatively new friendship where she is. It does jump to those conclusions. But then she said to me, but I'm really receiving that If there's something wrong, you'll tell me. I was like, oh yes, I'll, because I'm physically incapable of not telling you like it is a, it is a strength and a weakness of mine that I cannot not tell you if something's bothering me. So I think if we can all like, not just to get it off our chest, but. In the spirit of making sure that we're all breeding healthy relationships, if we as women can agree to not be so afraid of any potential conflict, like people say to me all the time, oh, you like conflict. Nobody likes conflict. That's just ridiculous. But I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of it, and I don't avoid it because I. There's no point in that, right? Like if you do avoid the conflict, it's gonna come out some other way. So

Cheryl: 39:28

Worse.

Susie: 39:28

all I, I just really hope that we can grow in like, especially women, but I know this is true for men too, but it would be great if we could just teach our children too. Like this is another thing I try to teach my kids to not hold on to things and of course, express them in healthy and productive ways. But also don't fall into the societal trap of just avoiding conflict at all costs.

Colleen: 39:57

Yeah.

Cheryl: 39:58

I think that this would be really helpful framework too, is to tell, like to be able to tell someone like I'm feeling, I'm feeling upset, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling like this is an issue for me. I'm not ready to talk about it right now. Like I need to collect my thoughts on it. So I'm gonna take a little bit of space while I do that. Like that's also really, and, and do take the pause before you have the talk. Like don't be angry and fly off the handle, like, and do irre irreparable damage. So I think I'm like so fortunate. I dated the same guy from the time I was 14 to 21 on and off. You know, we were obviously had a lot of growing up and immaturity in that time. And I remember the first fights we had, like when we were really young, they were just so hot and like angry and we'd say things we shouldn't have said. I, over that seven year period, we really learned to fight more healthfully and like disagree and have our conflict better. And I feel like it has really, and then obviously years of therapy, but it has really, it put me ahead of the game.'cause by 21 I had spent seven years learning how to have conflict and then move past it because you can move past conflict

Susie: 41:09

Yep. And you should, I. mean, life is conflict, right? Life is full of conflict. And if, and that's what I like. I was on the board of Ed in our old community and I said, part I said to my husband one time, it is a good thing that I'm not afraid of conflict because it is nothing but conflict. Something like that, right? And frankly, it's nothing but conflict in real estate. It nothing but conflict in families. So if you don't learn how to deal with conflict, then you're always gonna have unhealthy relationships.

Track 1: 41:41

Yeah. And figuring out what works for you too. Like this situation that I'm having where this person told me this really mean thing the other day and I was like, well, why'd you tell me that? But for me, I. I wasn't ready to talk to her fully about that because I was so hurt and I was so angry and disappointed. I talked to Cheryl about it. I talked to my husband about it, and I talked to my friend Shelby about it, and I needed to talk through it with people enough for myself. I need to talk through it and say I'm upset. This hurt me this. To a point where it didn't bother me anymore, and now I feel like I can go back and talk to that person and be like, listen, what you said was really hurtful to me, but the hurt isn't there anymore for me. I'm who needs to. Verbally say things to other people so that I can get my communication across somebody who's not gonna judge me, who's not gonna be upset by what I'm saying, who can just hear me. And you know, it's kind of just like word vomit, but I wanna be like, listen, I'm really upset. This really upset me and blah, blah, blah. And it took me, it took me multiple conversations with, with three different people that I trusted to. And a lot of them were just like, a lot of it was them telling me stuff, but also them just listening. And then I think. Again, going back to friendships, having those people who can do that for you and with you in your life, and for me, I'm very lucky that I have so many people who are willing to do that. Like that makes me a better person and that makes me a better friend, and that makes me a better professional at what I'm doing, you know, going. Very first quote that Cheryl talked about about, you know, having this group of really high level executive accomplished women is the thing that continues to push me higher and higher and higher in my career, in my life.

Cheryl: 43:36

Because the perspective you're getting from those women is, is different and above. Like, I like think about this scenario you've painted, like you talked to three different people about this scenario. Let's go back to high school. A high school friendship. Like, you know what, how that would've been received. Well, she was talking shit. She, she talked shit to these three different people and she was talking behind my back. 38-year-old, Cheryl knows that even if say I'm the person in the wrong and my friends are discussing me, they're processing. And that's fair. That is totally fair. And I'm always teaching the au pairs that like. You know, like they're gonna, like, that person's gonna need to have somebody to talk to about this. And it's totally normal. And like it's all part of just processing it and being okay with it, and then getting to a place where you can then deal with it. Like you have to, you have to take the sting off of it before you're gonna be able to have a productive conversation. And it's like in our marriages or any friendship, any relationship, when it gets. Hot and angry, it's time to take a break because you physiologically need to take that 20 minutes to reduce your blood pressure and get out of the fight or flight stage and like let, like

Susie: 44:47

I think this is a really great topic for a future episode is dealing with conflict, like healthy ways to deal with conflict. I know you guys have touched on it in various ways in your episodes, but I was also thinking, Colleen, about what you were saying because I just recently had a conversation with somebody hurt my feelings and a big aha for me, which I feel like I should have learned way before this. Is, and this is like something what that I say to my husband all the time, like, why are you treating me? Like I'm, I don't love you. Do you know? Like, you know, I'm coming at you from a place of love. So when I, when this other person hurt me, what I finally was able to say to her was, you really hurt me, and you're not a hurtful person. So I'm confused, you know, like if you're friends with this person, then you're friends with them. Because of their good qualities. Not, you know, like they're not, if they are hurtful people, then you shouldn't be friends with them anyway. They're like, you know, people who are going to like stab you in the front, then that's not someone you want in your life. So I think it's just, it was so helpful for me because then it really helped me approach the conversation in a way it didn't, I don't know that it helped. I think it did help her in that it. Made her not feel attacked, right? Because I said, you are not a person who would intentionally hurt me. And so I just want you to know that you did something that was confusing and and contrary to what I think you would've intended, but you should know that that was hurtful.

Cheryl: 46:22

On that same. Yeah, on that same avenue like these, I've had two, I had two meaningful relationships prior to my marriage, and those two people are still dear friends of mine. And when some people, and I went to both of their weddings and they both came to my wedding and. That's confusing for people to see on the outside, and I'm like, these people had qualities that I love, I love, and just because we decided that like we weren't made to do the entire life together doesn't mean that they don't still have qualities that I absolutely love and, and admire and hold dear to my heart. Like. Once the pain goes away from a breakup, like I want those people back in my life. And I've been so fortunate that those people also had those, that strength that they could do the same with me so that we can now carry.'cause it is so fun to now, you know, as things happen as an adult, like 20 years ago we were experiencing something like this and now I can like send you the message and we can have a good laugh about it and. I don't wanna say goodbye. I don't like ending friendships unless they no longer serve me. That's, and that's I guess, when we would end one

Susie: 47:33

Yeah, I think I, I tend to end friendships that are outright hurtful, you know, in some way. Not that they're trying to hurt you, but that it's not, yeah, that's not, not serving me, but just. It's actually negative in some, some way, or if like, trust has been broken, Right. that's that's a.

Track 1: 47:56

Well, and, and also like we talked about this, but like, not the hierarchy, but sort of like somebody can be your friend and they can, you can be so close to them because of a situation like say, work or whatever, and your life changes. You don't have to stop being friends with them, but you might be friends with them on like a different level, different, you know, like you're maybe not calling them every single day, but maybe you're still talking to them or you're still setting them funny memes, or you're still whatever, they're still your friend, but there's harmonics of friendship, right?

Colleen: 48:30

Like there's these different levels and uh, you know, Shirley's like, I don't wanna. Call everyone. You know, you don't wanna say best friend'cause you don't wanna rank them. And I'm like, I call everybody my friend. And that bothers some people. I'm like, yeah, my friend, blah, blah, blah. And I met, uh, yesterday. I am a friend that works down at the gas station, my friend at the gas station that I take the kids to every day because that's just who I am. But you know, my friend at the gas station is not the person I'm calling when.

Track 1: 48:59

You like a second grader? My friend, my friend Bob, like you literally call everybody your friend, like, what is up with that? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm my friends. Everybody's my friend. I love it. What am I, what I call this person? Oh, this is my that I, you know.

Cheryl: 49:16

I agree. Everybody's my friend too. I got friends everywhere.

Susie: 49:19

I use the word acquaintance a lot.

Cheryl: 49:22

would

Susie: 49:25

Listen my friend, if I call you my friend, that means

Track 1: 49:29

That's the

Colleen: 49:29

way she is too. She's like, that's a really strong word. I don't think you should be using it so often. And I'm like, okay, well the other people that are really, those are my best friends.

Cheryl: 49:41

I used to. I mean, I still, I tell everybody like, love you Kay, love you like and I mean it. I love you in some capacity. My first boyfriend that I was with all those years, he hated that. He did not want me telling other people I loved them. He was like, what? Why do you love everybody? I'm like, well, no. I love them differently than I love you, but I still love them. I love you. You know, but I, I also love them.

Susie: 50:08

It's the tone. It's, it's all in the

Track 1: 50:10

it.

Cheryl: 50:10

Yeah. It's on the

Susie: 50:11

Yeah. I.

Cheryl: 50:15

you know? Okay. Well thanks friends. That was fun. Remind everybody where they can, uh, follow along with your life or get your coaching or buy real estate

Susie: 50:27

Well, especially if you're a real realtor with Compass, you can go to rebusinessessentials.com and see all about our programs. We're gonna be launching a whole bunch of new, more accessible things for people. So you can find me there, or I am fighting with Google to get my Google Business page back up. But you can also find me on LinkedIn and on. And Facebook.

Track 1: 50:55

Susie, when is your next, you're in North Carolina next, right? When is You're in rally. When's your next 26th and 20th of February in.

Colleen: 51:04

amazing. Everybody who's anywhere

Track 1: 51:06

near there

Colleen: 51:06

should go there. If you're

Track 1: 51:08

with Compass,

Colleen: 51:09

if you're not, you should just bang on the door on the outside and like try to like listen because it's so good.

Susie: 51:15

Graduate style.

Cheryl: 51:18

All right you guys. Well, thank you. Thank you, and I'll

Susie: 51:21

I love.

Colleen: 51:22

Love.