We’re Doing this Right. Right?
“We Are Doing This Right. Right?” is your go-to podcast for humor-infused discussions that empower women to lead, succeed, and grow. Join us as we explore the smart side of life, business, and friendship, all while navigating the balancing act of parenting and work life. Get ready to laugh, learn, and find your path to success with a community that's cheering you on every step of the way.
We’re Doing this Right. Right?
The Power of Being Selfish: Making Yourself a Priority
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In this episode, hosts Cheryl and Colleen delve into the essence of living authentically and redefining success beyond societal constraints. They welcome back their special guest, Despi Mayes, author of 'The Big Little Question.' The trio discusses the importance of self-worth, mental well-being, dealing with haters, and the need to prioritize oneself. They explore how success can often be a feeling rather than an image or a list of accomplishments. Despi shares her journey post-book launch, the impact of her workshops, and her approach to self-care and self-expression. The conversation underscores the significance of making oneself a priority and finding joy in activities unrelated to work.
Check out Despi’s website at www.thebiglittlequestion.com
Connect with her on Instagram @despimayes
00:00 Introduction and Initial Thoughts
01:19 Welcoming the Guest
02:16 Discussing 'The Big Little Question'
06:56 Defining Success
18:16 Balancing Work and Personal Fulfillment
26:06 The Importance of Play and Hobbies
30:10 The Importance of Taking Time for Yourself
33:14 Dealing with Haters and Negative Feedback
35:31 Embracing Selfishness for Personal Growth
38:10 Setting Intentions and Prioritizing Self-Care
41:17 The Power of Keeping Promises to Yourself
48:36 Handling Criticism and Staying True to Yourself
53:28 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
I'm gonna pass this time doing something just for the sake of passing this time With no purpose, with no end goal, with no agenda. I'm just going to pass this time pass this time because I'm a human and I'm alive and I only live one life
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:but you know what, Cheryl, that just gave me, like, a physical reaction. Like, I was like, oh, god, like, oh,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:it makes me so uncomfortable to eat for you to even say that. I was like, ugh.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:really?
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:God, a bad reaction. Like I am like,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:such as like uh, I don't want to say like a conditioned response, but it like gives me like this, like, Oh my God, what a waste of time, but it, but that's awful to feel that way.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:And welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We're doing this right, right.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:She's brought back.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:much for being here. I'm here with my co star, Colleen Hungerford. My name is Cheryl Medeiros. Let's do this.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh my God. First of all, there's so many things I want to talk about in that five second intro is one, I love that you brought the bedroom voice back. And two, I love that you called me a co star. We are stars and I am just love co starring in this life with you.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:me too.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:but we're super excited because we have a repeat, a repeat co star, repeat guest.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:offender.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:and we.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Second offender,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Haven't had too many of them. Not that we don't want everybody to come back, but you know so Cheryl, do your, do your thing, do your, do the, do the bio.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:This is probably our second most talked about repeat, star. Second to Susie.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Well, Susie is her own thing.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Despi Mays, author of The Big Little Question. So The Big Little Question, essentially In a nutshell, like what would you do if you mattered? Like what decisions would you make for your life if you mattered? And that's been so impactful to me, Despi. And I thank you for changing my life and welcome back. We're so excited to talk to you again.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:thanks, Cheryl. It's good to be here with both of you. Honestly.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Thank So catch us up and tell us everything. What have you been doing since we talked to you?
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:totally book launched in January and that's been awesome. I have been leading workshops and giving talks. I have been really fortunate to kind of get out there and talk to people about this topic that really is, is close to my heart and something that I'm really passionate about. So So it's just been a great opportunity to talk to women, especially about this common thing that we tend to experience, which is that our self worth gets informed by so many things outside of us. so what happens when we look and figure out what it means to us and how does that change the way we. Show up in the world. So it's been awesome.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:amazing.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Thanks.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:you're a published author.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:author.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:I know it's awesome.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Hey, Is, is that something that you saw for your life forever? Did you always think I'm going to write a book? Did you ever think you were going to write a book? Okay.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:you know, I've spent a lot of my career in some kind of marketing and I thought that I might write a marketing book at some point. Mostly because it's such a great platform, right? But ultimately I never found the thing that made me want to spend a year or two years,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:about, and this emerged kind of very organically. I, working with a coach with the intention of building an online course,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Hmm,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:And the very first kind of assignment that I got from that coach was go out and interview 50 people who are your ideal client. And so I did that. I've talked to 50 women who were high performing, doing amazing things in their lives juggling lots of identities and responsibilities and like all the things. And I just felt like, Oh my gosh. I learned some things that kind of validated my hypothesis that we're kind of burnt out and we're not focusing on the things that really make us feel full. But I also learned all kinds of other things that really surprised me, you know, and it really drove me to write the book because I wanted to talk about those things, which is that our definitions of success are just fundamentally not aligned with who we are often.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:dude, for real. Like,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Right. Uh
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:also like,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Uh
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:about this before and we've talked about, you know, defining success and we talked about gentle success and things like that. What I keep going back to and then like, obviously maybe the answer is just, I don't know the, the, the patriarchy, but like, well, who decided who, who was the group, who was the person, like, who was like, Here's what success looks like. Like, it's just, it's really interesting when you start to think about it and it really does start to, to dissolve it and start to break it down because you're like, why do I think that way? And who was deciding that for me? And, but I think it takes somebody who's really self aware and more introspective to really, or somebody putting it in front of their face to To really recognize, like, that that's what's going on, right? That, that you're trying to live up to somebody else's definition of success. And like, also like, who the hell is it? Like, that's what I, that's the book I want to write. Like, who created this definition of like, success? And like, we, we obviously like, can infer that it was like, a White man, right, who was supported by, you know, like who had money, who was supported, I'm sure, with some sort of family, traditional family setting and because like that's. That's what it is. Right. Like, I mean, those maybe I'm totally off base here, but that's kind of, we define success as like hitting a certain career activity, making a certain amount of money, having a certain type of family, the family looking that way, the family acting a certain way or, and I'm just like, I don't know anybody's family who looks like that or, or acts that way or anybody who's, you know, like, so whoever this person was.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Okay.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:They're an asshole.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:can we unpack this? Let's get a authentic. To each of our own self, like let's, what is success like at this current stage in your life? What is success for each of you? So if I think about me, success is time freedom. So time to. Spend my days how I want to spend them. So I want to spend my days. I'd like to have slow mornings summer breaks coming. So that's a little bit more like I'm, I am structuring my days and that I won't be taking meetings before 9am. So I will have slower mornings, time to exercise or move my body. Even if it's just for 20, 30 minutes, like slow walk or stretching or something. Like I really don't want to go. Balls to the walls. I just want to like move because it makes my body feel good to move. don't care what it makes my body look like. I just want to move because it feels good to move. I want to have enough money to do whatever I want.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Mm hmm.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I don't want to have to think about what I'm purchasing at the grocery store. I don't want to think about how much the tickets cost to go where I want on a vacation with my family. I also want my husband to have time freedom, not just me. I want to make enough money so that my husband can have the time off that I have off. and I, I still want to work. Like I, I really,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Mm hmm.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:do currently. I've given myself that gift of, of choosing a career and ambitions that I I enjoy pursuing, so I'm, I'm so close to the success that I want. I just truly, I don't have enough money right now. And then my kids are in traditional school really, I think, and my husband has a job, like a traditional job. I think those are the three things that are standing in the way of me having the level of success that I want to have.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:hmm.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:What about you guys? Where are you at? If you were to check in, what's
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:what's success and how far are you?
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:For me, I feel like I have really been coming to terms with how much meaningful connection means to me. And I'm really looking for that at work. In my friendships, you know, like really going deeper also expression, creative expression is really important for me. And I have struggled like my entire life. I've been oriented to it. I reach for it. I want it, but I have had this misunderstanding about. How it has to be in my life, like I've always felt like I had to find some productive means for it, or it wasn't valuable. And so now I'm in the process of kind of reorienting to creative expression as something that is really important for my satisfaction, my, like, well being, but it does not have to be a productive. Thing, you know like I'm a painter. I love painting. And I, I haven't been painting for a while because I I don't know. I just didn't feel like I had, I was in that energy and I did recently start to paint again. And I immediately was like, okay, I'm going to paint these like 10 paintings. I'm going to, um, Find a gallery and I'm going to show, you know what I mean? It's like immediately I was like,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:big show and I'm going to sell these paintings and the creative part of me was like, no, I just want to be allowed to be expressive. And so for me right now, success is really about. Thinking and feeling into what I need and making space for it and allowing work. And like a lot of what you said Cheryl, about finances being a support for the lifestyle you want. Like, I am really oriented toward that right now. You know, like how can I make money in a way that supports these other things that matter really deeply to me. You know, I feel like I've been in my life and really driving the writing of this book was like, I had this very achievement oriented like checklist of stuff. And then I would like, do everything on the checklist and still be like, okay, now what do I do? And now I'm like, going more inside and saying, okay, like, how do I feel? And how is what I'm doing? You know, creating like a peacefulness in my life rather than this endless checklist that I could never finish.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. I think that is my definitions of success have a lot to do with, with feeling like I, I don't want to feel stressed out. Like I, to your point, Cheryl, like I want to go and not. Uh, to, to the grocery store and not worry about what I'm buying, like obviously not being nuts, but like just, you know, not worrying about every single thing, not having the stress, not, you know, like every time it's time to pay the club soccer bill or the horseback riding bill or the whatever, that it to just feel okay, you know, and not feel like there's stress behind those things. And for me, I am that kind of person. I love goals and we love to talk about specific goals and things like that. But when it comes to success, I think when you're setting, like, for example, like if you're setting a certain, like, if I can just make 500, 000 this year. Like that's a big number. Then I'll, then I'll be successful. Right. But then you get to that point and you're like, wait a minute, like mo, mo money, mo problems. Like this still feels stressful. You know what I mean? Like, so I think that the goal is more of, of that freedom of time of that freedom of stress. Like I want to feel calm. I want to feel happy. I want to feel joy in my life with. With as little stress as possible. And that could look like a lot of different things. Cause I could take a lot of things out of my life that are, that I've added as stressors and maybe I would be calmer or whatever, but I also don't think so. Cause I like to have, have, and do a lot. But but it's the same thing. It's the very perfect example. And I hate using like exercise or weight as an example, but it's like, you know, when everybody's like, well, if I just lost 10 more pounds, I would be. The perfect weight. And then you do, and you're like, well, shit, I, you know, like that didn't come out where I wanted it to like, now my butt is flat. Like that's not where I wanted to lose the 10 pounds, you know, or whatever it is. Right. So I think it's really important that we are setting some pretty stringent goals for ourselves. But I think when we're talking about like overall success, maybe the conversation needs to change to like emotions and feelings and, and, and. And that as a metric versus like really hard and fast numbers. And I think that's tough for some people.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:the conversation around success, talking about. Like an outward image, and I'm, I feel like we're. We're wrapping up talking about how we want to feel. So I think that's a really powerful shift in realization of, like, success actually is a feeling, not an image,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. 100%.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:hard on that image, right? Like we do, you know, and, and branding and imaging or the thing. Yes. Or the house, the car, the, the bank account, the vacations, the everything job.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:the title.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Well, I think it kind of loops back to your question, Colleen, about where did these ideas come from? And I think that all the outward stuff we can measure and compare ourselves to each other and kind of stack rank who's doing well. And do you know
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:And I do think that it is related to definitely a capitalistic view. Like I don't, I'm not an expert in that area. Right. But when I talk to people, they're Definitions of success are very much coming from this very capitalistic, very patriarchal, has the most money, who has the best title who has the most stuff like quantity. It was all about the quantity of something, right? Whether it's like how far up the ladder you've moved in your career, how much money or stuff you've acquired. And I unsatisfying for at least some of us because. That stuff at the end of the day doesn't really affect how you feel about yourself and how you feel in your own skin, how you feel in your relationships, like all that stuff. And, you know, we inhabit. our relationships, our, our inner thoughts, our our bodies, like that, that's where we spend all of our time, you know, and like this stuff that we achieve is like we achieve it and then it's kind of melts away, you know, it doesn't last in terms of like how, what you inhabit. And so I think that's kind of the answer to your earlier question. It's like, that's where it comes from. It comes from all of that outside pressure. whether our parents gave it to us or our boss gave it to us, or maybe we gave it to ourselves comparing ourselves to what's out there in the world. But the, the real solution that I have found is to focus on the feeling, you know, exactly what Cheryl just said.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Well, I'm thinking too, like, okay, so my business partner and I had a bang up last month, like we had some really great success at work, you know, and, and those came, that came with some cool paychecks. Like, that was cool. And I want to do that times more this month, but not every month. Not because the paycheck. Well, that's great because that gave us like the feeling of less stress Like we've talked about and the ability to like go to the grocery store and breathe a little easier and all of those things It really really came like I want to do it ten times more because I enjoyed the feeling of helping those people and making those people's lives better and That, that is what filled my cup from, from doing such a good job that month was not the paycheck as much as really changing somebody's life and improving their life and being so helpful and, and knowing that I did such a good job at it. That is what filled my cup and why that is why I want to do it 10 more times this month. It's not so much about the paycheck. Like I truly would do this for free if I could live for free.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah, I would not do this for free if I had to pay bills. I was
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I, if I didn't have to take, like, if I could just take like my positive energy and good feelings to the bank, and that was enough to pay the mortgage and keep the lights on and feed my kids and go on vacation, I totally would do this for free, unfortunately it's not. So I have to charge what I charge, but I totally like. what I do because of the impact that I get to make in people's life and the way it makes me feel when I get to make that difference in somebody's life and do a really good job at it.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:I feel like for me, I, the reason I decided to pivot from being self employed to working full time is that I similarly, I wanted work to fill a couple of buckets that really didn't have to do with money, you know, like I could earn money in both of those. Lanes, I really missed the structure to my day, like having a finite work time and it's funny because it's like as you're talking about time freedom, I'm like, I want less of that, which is crazy. Some people are like, what's wrong with you? Why would you want less of that? But I really do like having the structured work day and the delineation between the time I work and the time I don't, and it helps me really tap into my creative energy, kind of being outside of that time, you know, that work time. but I also just really, I felt like I was missing Emotional wellbeing in my life and some connection and support points. Like I just needed to grow in those areas. And I have always loved work, which also sounds kind of crazy to some people, but work has just been a space where I like using my skills. I like being in service of other people and connecting with new people. And so it just made sense. Yeah, well, you know, I, I feel the same way as you Cheryl, like I, there are plenty of things I would do for free if I didn't have to work for money, but it's like, we do have to work for money. So how can I make that time? I'm investing in work, like work for me in other ways, you know, and I think people. It is a very privileged position, I think, to be in, to, to be able to do that. and I think sometimes the, the conversation is, how can you make work more satisfying? And sometimes the conversation is, how can you make the time you're not at work more satisfying if you don't have control over that? Right?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:this is really something that I have been thinking about quite a lot. That's come up for me quite a lot is that you know, I was, Not raised wealthy. I, you know, we didn't come from money and my parents really had to like they were entrepreneurs and whatever, but, you know we struggled quite a bit. And I went into a field of service based field as they call it. As far as like sports medicine, and then I also taught, and those are industries where you don't make a lot of money, but you're supposed to be compensated because you're doing such good work. And you're supposed to feel like, well, I'm not getting paid a lot of money, but I sure am helping a lot of people. And and that is where your value comes. And I, You know, when I first started real estate, I do love helping people. That is part of who I am. That's part of the core of my being as part of my purpose in life, I believe. But I also wanted and needed to make money to, to support my family. And I have a friend who I was like, yeah, I really am doing this job because I really love to help people. And she's like, I'm doing this job to make money. I like to help people, but I'm doing it to make money because That's the most important thing for me and my family. And I was like, Whoa, you're not allowed to say that out loud. You know, because when you, I think there is this
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Right.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:and it's almost like it's keeping the middle class in the middle class where you're like, well, you're not getting paid or, or middle, lower class, like. Yeah. You're not getting paid a lot, but like you better keep doing what you're doing because it's so good. And if we didn't have you, we'd be lost. But it's like, why don't we just pay those people more? Why don't we just pay the teachers more? Why don't we just pay the, you know, support staff, people more, whatever. That's a other conversation. But I think it's a really interesting transition to think about, like, I do this job. I do like, I am in a very privileged position where I make good money and I like what I do. And I, I do feel like I'm helping people, but I also want to find value and purpose in my life outside of my job. And I think there are a lot of really wealthy people who They like what they do and they make a lot of money, but where they find their fulfillment is outside of their job, right? And we're so often taught like your fulfillment needs to come from the work that you're doing. And while I think that that's great, I don't know that that's always the case. And I don't know that that's going to be the case for everybody. So. I just think it's, I don't have the answer and I don't know, but I think it's such an interesting conversation to start having. Like I, this is kind of a silly thing, but like I started playing tennis and I did it and we've talked about this. I did it as a work thing. I did it as a way because I recognized the women in my, the women in my community, the women in my group who are higher net worth all play tennis. And those are my ideal client. Right. Right. Right. Right. And so I was like, I better learn to play tennis. So I can go play tennis with these ladies. Cause I didn't, I never played tennis before. And then I found out that I just really love it. And for me, it's a, it's a. It's really an enjoyment and it's something that I you know, my brain shuts off for an hour and a half while I'm playing and I don't have to think about anything else. And it's really an outlet for me. And I find a lot of fulfillment in that, right. But, but it's not work and I am finding success in other ways. And I'm, you know, now my husband's going to play with me and now we're like, you know, that's something that we can do together. And that's a success that I am feeling because we're doing something that is fulfilling and of value, and we're doing it together, but it doesn't have anything to do with my work, but it feels like success to me. So it's really an interesting topic. It's a really an interesting conversation to, to really look at. And I do think there's something to, to. To the privilege of enjoying what you do and making money. Like having those two things together is a special combo that not everybody has has.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I value that perspective a lot and I want to say a couple things that that made me think about. Number one, making money is not evil. I feel like a lot of
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh no.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:there's this connection with like, like making money is a bad
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:You know what really shifted the perspective for me? Maybe other people have an alternative perspective on this, but Chip and Joanna Gaines, they seem like the most Wholesome people in the world and they are fucking capitalists to all get
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:my God.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:are turning everything into a business and they are crushing it. still seem like very good people. I just saw another sound bite of them, like not letting their, Teenagers get on social media until they're like out of the house, which I'm sure is just like also a protection given that
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:good people and they're crushing it in the business world. And I, that kind of helped me see like, um, to make money isn't evil. And so that was one of the things and, and I do charge top dollar for my services with my clients, just like for everybody to know, I don't feel bad about it. I don't apologize for it. I'm worth it. All my clients that have worked with me will tell you that Rachel and my services are very much worth that. I don't apologize for that. I would do it for free if money was no object, but it is. so here we are. What was the other thing that I was thinking about when you said that? I, I do think having something outside of your profession. Yes, 100%. And I don't know that I have something right now, but I would like to. and the other thing is you're a woman who's playing. You're, you're playing. I think that so many women forget how to play. include, like myself included, especially for several years there. I forgot how to play. I think the first time I realized I didn't like have a hobby or something I enjoyed doing was like the first time I was building an online dating profile and I was like, hobbies? Um, I don't know. What do you mean? Like, I don't know what that, drinking wine, does that count? Um, dining out at nice restaurants? I mean, okay.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:a hobby.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:endorse that as a
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Both of them. Hobbies. Well, and to your point, Cheryl,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:finally playing this fall. I finally play something.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yeah. And when you also like, as a woman who chooses to have children in your career, the hobby thing is like really out the window, right?
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:For several years at
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. So
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Hmm.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:is, I mean, that was, it is, it is a thing like to find something of enjoyment that is your own. I think. For women and particularly for women who do have children, because so often your, your body, your soul, your mind, everything is for someone else. Is, is super, super important. And it doesn't always have to be exercise. Like, I love that you're talking, you know, like being creative or painting or crocheting or
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:for the sake of painting is what I heard you, like, Is what I was hearing you say, like you just want to paint to paint not for any purpose other than I'm just gonna paint because I like to paint
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:and not feel like it has to have a reason, right? Like, not feel like, oh, well, now I should sell these, or I should promote these, or I should do this, or whatever. And you can, but,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:well And let me let me broaden that thought like I'm gonna pass this time Whatever much time this is in this day. I'm gonna pass this time doing something just for the sake of passing this time With no purpose, with no end goal, with no agenda. I'm just going to pass this time pass this time because I'm a human and I'm alive and I only live one life
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:but you know what, Cheryl, that just gave me, like, a physical reaction. Like, I was like, oh, god, like, oh,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:it makes me so uncomfortable to eat for you to even say that. I was like, ugh.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:really?
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:God, a bad reaction. Like I am like,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:such as like uh, I don't want to say like a conditioned response, but it like gives me like this, like, Oh my God, what a waste of time, but it, but that's awful to feel that way. It's
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:with Susie. So I just went on a, ended up being a day longer trip than I meant to be a five or six day trip visit family. And I was burned out as all hell prior to this trip. And I said to Susie in this text exchange, when I was going, she was telling me to like shut down and yada yada while I was there. And I was like, okay, so what's. Like, what checklist or system or process should I work on while I was there? And she was like, nothing. Do nothing while you are there. And I'm like, I don't understand. I don't understand the assignment.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Like, why is that so hard?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:What's the goal of the doing nothing? What should I be achieving while I'm doing nothing? That's where my brain goes.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:That
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:was like, so hard.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:most. Mm hmm. Yes.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:And my aunt asked me, I mean, it took probably a day and a half before, like, I, I worked probably two, the first two days I was there. And then I think it was like my last full day there. And she says, what do you want to do today? And I said, nothing, a lot of nothing. And I did just at some point lay there in silence and just stare at the river and just lay there. And I'm like, I just like, I'm so happy just doing nothing, but it does take time to shut down the busyness in your brain to just do nothing. It took, it took a couple of days to get there, but I got there. And then now we're very much ramped back up into doing things, but I feel rejuvenated. So please remember to take the time to do nothing. Ladies and four gentlemen, five,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I think, I
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:How many of you are there now?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:think we've got At least five.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Okay.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:There is
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:five guys.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. High five to all the men. there is a quote that is attributed to Mark Twain. Who knows if he really said it, you know how the internet is about those
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:but the quote is, um, time is money. You enjoyed wasting was not wasted time.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Mm hmm.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:And I feel like that is important. It's like an important idea that just allowing time to pass and feeling peace or pleasure in that and nothing else is like, okay.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Mm hmm.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:like we really struggle with that. Like. Productivity is strong in our culture. We just like want to be productive. And also if we're ambitious, we have lots of stuff we want to do. And I think it can be difficult to feed ourselves that quiet time, in the face of the million things that we want to accomplish.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. And when you really get into, and Cheryl and I are in this space of like entrepreneur, like really entrepreneurial, and when you get into the entrepreneurial growth and coaching and things like that, like you, you are hearing that more now, like Taking the time to unplug, going for a walk, taking a vacation or taking a time for yourself, because that's when your brain can actually, and your mind can actually like come up with like productive and really insightful ideas when you're not just doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, checking, checking, checking, checking, checking. And It's so invaluable and it feels like for people who are, who are list checkers and for people who are doers, that feels like a waste of time. Like you could be doing something else, but Cheryl's always like, don't let me take a two hour shower because I'll come back with like five new business ideas, you know,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:like if I go for a walk and I'm, I think I told this to Cheryl the other day, like I took my daughter down to check out her summer camp, which is down in Brown County, like it's like an hour away from us. And she was just in the back like listening to the music and I was just listening to the music and like my brain just was like on fire. And I had so many like amazing thoughts about how I want to plan my business and how I want to do things moving forward, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. That I didn't have the space to do before. And that was really like, just a reminder that sometimes you just need to like take that moment. Anyway, I don't know how that deals with who decided this success definition, but here we are. But Despi talked to us. I, I, I'm when you reached out to us again and we were like, yes, please come back. One of the things that you wanted to talk about was haters. And I want to talk about the
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Haters.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:those people out there
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:haterade, like what? Like, and you had talked to us, you know, at one point there was like one moment where there was like, just somebody who was like, wrote you a bad review on your book or something like that. And you were like, I know who this is. This is a hater, like dealing with it, blah, blah, blah. But like, let's talk about the haters because listen, I know I have some, we all do and,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Right. Well, it's, yeah, that's, it's so interesting. We all do. And I think that it's so difficult to know that you do right. Like to put yourself out there in the
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yes.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:let
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:and I really, really struggled as I was writing this book. Oh, there's a lot of really vulnerable content in this book that I was afraid, right, to really put out into the world and, working with my editor, you know, I was really, Asking her to help me figure out like, where do I want to be? You know, like how much do I want to share? How vulnerable do I want to be? I want to be something that's relatable and authentic and that people can connect to in a meaningful way. But I also don't want to put so much out there that it, you know, infringes on other people's story or, you know what I mean? Like, so I really owned everything I wrote and I, I got to a place where I felt super comfortable. this is what I'm putting out into the world. I'm willing to talk to anybody about it, right? I'm willing to share it with anyone. And so I still, it still was hard to read like that first really terrible review. Because you know, we're all human and that, that stuff is hard, but at the same time I was prepared for every aspect of it. You know, I had thought about it and I was prepared and in a way it was like, Oh, good, that happened. And now I know what that feels like. And I survived that critique on every, it was a critique on every aspect of this project. And, you know what, it doesn't matter one bit when I have conversations with people who tell me how this work has impacted them and how useful they have found it in their lives and like seeing women take more ownership of their own happiness and their own satisfaction, like all that stuff completely outshines any that might show up and say, Oh my gosh, you're so selfish for prioritizing what You care about, you know, it's just like, I think that women, I almost called this book selfish. That was a working title for a long time because something I heard from women over and over again was like, the ones who had figured it out would tell me kind of quietly, like, Oh my gosh The, the secret is that I am kind of, and they would search for a better word cause they didn't want to say it and like selfish and they would just spit it out, selfish. And I was like, there's that word again. It's like, if you have boundaries, if you're not a people pleaser, if you are ambitious and you go for what you want, you're selfish. And I was like, how does that work?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. And also like,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:we all want to be those things.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yeah, and that, you know, the, the reframe of that is that like you make yourself a priority and that you matter, right? To your point, the big little question, like, what would you do if you really felt like you mattered? Like that is such an interesting, like, uh, question. Skye Michiels, who was on our show and who is like a amazing coach as well. Talks show talks all about like the healthy, selfish. Right. And that was, I really firmly believe and it's hard. It's really hard, but like. you do have to make yourself a priority first. Like you do, however you want to say it, right? You have to fill your cup. You have to put on your oxygen mask first. You have to, whatever it is, right? You have to make yours. You have to feel, not have to, I don't ever want to tell people they have to do anything, but like when you feel Worthy enough, or when you feel enough respect for yourself to really take care of yourself, you show up so different and you show up for everybody else so differently. And people who don't want to see you win hate, they
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:but I'm like, go on haters. Keep on hating. It's so interesting.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:one of the things Skye M challenges us to do each month in his happier human program, plug to Skye Michiels happier human program I'm doing. If you want more information, let me know. He has us do a word of the month, like an intention. And this month my intention was clarity. And so I decided like the three things I'm going to be clear about this month is I want to show up for my family. Be very present and like it's summer break. I'm going to show up for them to show up for my family. The second thing that I'm clear on is that I need to show up for myself.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Hmm.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:means I need to find time in the, in my minutes and my hours and my days fill my own cup, for lack of a better term, like find ways, I cannot get to the level of burnout that I was last week and for the last month or two months, like I, I have not been okay. Susie, Susie texted me or called and she's like, I have heard it in your voice, in your podcast and in our phone calls, like you've, you've not been okay. Okay. Lauren Edwards, the pelvic floor specialist, had her hand inside me last week when she was diagnosing me and she's like, need to relax, nothing's
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Nothing is okay.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Oh, tight down there. Huh? Interesting. Like you're not okay. Cannot get to that level of burnout. I have got to find ways to come down, like to relax and, and I'm. to figure out how I do that. I think I need to be present in the moments where I'm giving back to myself so that I can realize, like, I'm filling my cup, I'm filling my cup, I'm filling my cup. And then the third thing that I want to be clear about is that I'm in a growth mode at
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:intentional about my growth. So just, but the clarity, to do the two things, but being very present with my family and growing, I have to stop Fill my cup to be able to do those other two things that I'm very clear that I want to do so like I just had the clarity of that. I always have on my flights home, I always on a trip by myself, I take the time to journal on the flight home to get clear about what, cause you, you always hear there, you get perspective on a trip and I do agree with that. So I always try to take the time to journal and, and get clear on the way home about what it is that I met, what my new perspective is. So that's what it was. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Well, it makes perfect sense. I think being clear about that is, will help you prioritize making that time and taking the space you need. the answer, like the big little question is like, what would I do if I believed I really matter? I inherently matter. I don't have to prove anything. I just showed up mattering. Most of the time we all have some of what that is, right? And it's usually something that we wish we were doing for ourselves that we are not doing. And like week after week or month after month, we say, okay, I'm going to get to that. And I I'll prioritize that when, or like when things get calmer or whatever. And so what I suggest people do in the book is take one action. I call them actions that matter every week. 10 to 15 minutes, right? Like not an insurmountable amount of stuff or an insurmountable amount of time, maybe 20 minutes, depending on the thing you want to do, but like, put it on your calendar and treat it like the doctor's appointment. The. After school activity, the, you know, whatever you have to do, it's like on your calendar and you do it because it's on your calendar and you've like committed to it, treat it with the same level of commitment that you would give to your kids, to your partner, to your friends, to your job, and then do it. And when you do it, whatever that action is, you do it. the intention that like I am doing this because I matter and I'm keeping this promise. I made to myself and if you do them week, you know, it's like we have become so to breaking the promises we make to ourselves. Like, we just don't realize how much we've eroded our own internal trust system, like with ourselves,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Mm hmm.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:because we always drop. The show we want to watch the bath. We need to take the yoga. We want to do whatever the tennis we want to
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:It's like, okay, the client comes first, the family comes first, whatever. And then we just don't get to it, you know? And like over time, those broken promises make you feel unworthy because you are not treating yourself like you matter. You
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. I think one of the, something that has been helpful for me in that scenario for somebody who I will like, you know, I have exercise on my calendar from eight to nine every single day and I don't do it at that time. Like I see the alarm going off and I'm like, okay, but like, you know what I mean? But for me. Tennis was something that I was accountable to somebody else. I was accountable for a time that I had to be there and I paid money for it. And so if you're in a point in a position where you can't, you don't feel like you can, Really prioritize making that time just for yourself because you should, I really recommend to people like find something like a class, find something where it has a start time and an end time and you pay for it and you have accountability and you do make that your time. Right. It was so funny. I was at tennis one day and it was, I go, the class that I was taking was Thursdays from 11 to 1230. So an hour and a half in the middle of the day. And one of the women in my. Tennis class, like was new. She just entered and she was like, Oh, you do real estate. What do you do that part time? And she assumed that because I was there in the middle of the day. And I was like, Oh, no lady.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:you're like, I do that all the time.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I was like, bitch, that's why I'm here. Do you want to buy a house? Like, no. But it was an interesting, like, you know, for, for somebody else's perspective, like I could be there in the middle of the time and I'm like, I literally work like 80 to 90 hours a week. But my time looks differently, but that was how I could structure it for me. And that was how I could like find a time. And I think that that is really helpful. It's a little hack if, if you can't figure out how to do it yourself, or if you're like me, where even if you put it on your calendar, you're like, I'll be like driving the kids to school. And it's like seven 50 at eight o'clock, you're supposed to be working out. And I'm like, well, I'm not even going to be home by then. So by, you know, we'll, we'll set those unrealistic. Timeframes for ourselves or those unreal, like if you look at the calendar, it looks like you should be able to do this during that time.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I invite you to just delete that from your
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I have to,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:breaking that promise to yourself.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I don't even feel like I,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:that promise to
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I just laugh now when it comes up. I'm like, that's dumb because I am.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:of
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Like I am still finding time to exercise, but it's just not during that total window, which is why I have a really hard time with time blocking. I know it works for a lot of people, but like my life is really
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:trying.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:and I'm just like time blocking makes me feel restricted and I don't like it. Stop telling me what to do calendar,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Yeah. Just. Exactly. Just delete that. Stop it. Stop doing that to yourself.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah, the key is to do, to put it on your life to do list in whatever way like works
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yeah,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:feel like that's a reasonable constraint, right? You're like, that doesn't work. So you find a way that makes it work for
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:yeah.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:It's
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:And one of the things you talked to you, you touched on, and I saw, actually, I reposted this quote today and Mel Robbins posted it, but it's not her quote. It's like when you take the, the, the phrase, I don't have time and you replace it with, this is not a priority. See how that feels, you know? I really tried. To make that a part of my life right now, like, you know, we'll be like, well, I don't have time for this or I don't have time for that. And it's like, no, we're just not making that a priority. You know, I'm not making it a priority to go get my mammogram because I haven't had one yet. And I'm 41 and I finally made my appointment. So if anybody makes sure you all do it and do it with me, mine is July 12th. I think, but you know, things like that, where it's like. I'm not, but I'll make the appointment for my kid. I'll make the doctor's appointment for my kid to go do it. So it's like, what are we making a priority versus what are we just saying that we don't care about and we don't have time for?
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Okay. Well, I just had this conversation with someone last week because they weren't making themselves a priority. And I said, you know, this is such an easy thing to say, but what would you say to your best friend?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:what would you say to your mom? What would you say to your child? Like, Yeah. What would you tell them to do? Why are we not treating ourselves with that same level of respect? And then my kids the other day at the table when I got home, one of them said something about loving someone more than. themselves or something. And I was like, absolutely not. You love yourself the most. You are the most amazing person. You should always love yourself the most above everybody else. And I like made this big show of it. And I'm going to continue to make a big show of that because I want them. I just want to instill that now. Like. That this is okay. And this is the most important thing. And like, you should always love yourself the most and treat yourself the nicest. And I just want to like pound that into their little tiny heads right now so that they grow up just like, that's just normal that they just treat themselves that way and they don't ever feel bad asking for something because they deserve it. They're worthy of it and they deserve it
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:So true. So true.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:we all deserve it too. And we are all worthy too. And we should speak to ourselves in the way that we would speak to our best friend and. If you catch the internal voice being shitty, knock it off, correct it. And that's a practice skill. And the more you practice it, the better you'll get at it. And the more like naturally it will become that you start taking better care of yourself
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:And to
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:treating yourself.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:circle that back to our haters, the more you feel this way about yourself, the more, what the haters say doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Right. Like, and it doesn't affect you as it might affect you. Like you know, that it's not saying that we don't have emotions or we don't feel sad or we don't feel hurt. Right. But like your value is not based on one asshole writing a shitty review, you know what I mean? Or your value or in your self worth isn't based off of somebody being like, Oh, you know, like I remember. Somebody told me like, Oh, is Colleen even selling anything? Are she just making videos in her car? And I was like, bitch, why are you watching?
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah. Right.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I appreciate you, you know, but like, I didn't really say that, but that's what I said in my head, but I had, but it hurt me like that hurt my feelings, but the perspective is, is like. I don't like that can't define my own personal self worth and how I feel about myself. And if I let that to like affect my business, like goodbye, that's like.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Right.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:That's on me. That's on me. Mm.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:There was this podcast I was listening to and the guest was Vishen Lakhyani. He's the CEO, I think, and founder of Mindvalley. He does a lot of meditation and wellness for productivity and stuff like that, you know? But he was talking. About haters, and he said, if you don't have any haters, you can't have any people who love you like you're, you're not going to have any like super committed diehard fans either. And I had the reaction to that, that you had earlier to Cheryl saying that wasted time was okay.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Where your, like, skin feels uncomfortable? Mm
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:I don't want you to hear it, Vishen. I don't want to hear it. And but he's right. So like, you know, his point was that you have to come out with a point of view and you have to have something to say that somebody could take an issue with. Because if you don't, then you're not really saying anything substantive. You're not really doing anything impactful. If everybody's just going to be quietly okay with everything you're saying and do it. And so that was like a heartening, you know, it was a moment where I was like, Ooh, yeah, I have to get comfortable with the fact that I'm basically saying, Hey, this whole system that we've all bought into is broken. And at least for some of
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:hmm.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:and I think we should do it differently. And some people are not going to like that. You know, cause some people benefit from the system working the way it is.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Right.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:And they don't want that to change, you know,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:know what I feel when somebody doesn't like me when I have a hater? Shocked. How?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I'm so
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:How could you not love
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I don't even understand!
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:love me so much, I'm so shocked.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Like, why would you not even like me? I am so fabulous!
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Okay, I don't get
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Uh, like,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:of all,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:f
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:what?
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:of all, uh, explain.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:is there a typo here? This feels really like you misspelled love.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:I don't
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:I definitely understand that.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:get it.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Because you're like, I don't, like, ex I don't get it. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:First of all, this has never happened to me Before. That's
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:true. People don't like me.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:but
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:not everybody's cup of tea,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:no,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:drinks
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:that's what I'm
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:so
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:just going to say. Have you seen all those things? It's like, you're not gonna be everybody's cup of tea, honey, because you are champagne and you're just like so fabulous, but I love, you know, that's exactly it, right? Like if you're not saying anything worth saying or doing anything worth doing.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:If you're not rocking the boat.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:And it's not even like, and I really very firmly believe like the haters are a sign of success. They just are, right? Like if you are doing something and somebody, it makes somebody feel uncomfortable and you're, you're pushing the boundaries of somebody who probably you don't agree with or who doesn't want to see you succeed, then you're not Doing it right. You know, like then you're not doing it, right. I don't know how to explain it, but like you just have to really in, in, if you're doing it in a way that's authentically yourself, I am not a fan of people who are just like here to stir the pot and like be assholes just for clickbait or whatever it is, right. To be like, I'm going to just throw this inflammatory question out here that I know is going to piss a lot of people off, but when you're really being authentically yourself and that's who you are and that makes people feel uncomfortable, that's about them. That's not about you.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:A hundred percent true. Yep. So true.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:All right, ladies and five gentlemen, we have arrived. Thank you for doing it right with us today,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:so fun to have you back.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:tell us Despi about your, you have a new website, right? Sorry. We want to make sure we get your, your website launched.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:It's the big little question. com and you can, of course, buy the book there. You can get some free downloads to support the work in the book. So there's a toolkit there you can download for free. And then I'm also offering some one on one workshops. If you're interested in support, kind of figuring out you are when things are quiet,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Oh,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:luck. Ooh,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:love
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:scary.
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:that.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:you don't want to find out.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:During the scary quiet time. No,
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:No, I do want to know. And everyone,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:do, you do, you do.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:thank you. Just be,
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:should find out.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:thanks for coming back.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:you're doing it
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Everybody,
despi_1_06-05-2024_120825:Thanks so much for having us.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:everybody follow Despi. Everybody go buy her book, go to her website, book one on one and your life will be better for that.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:Oh, also, you guys, quick plug. We turned on a feature on the podcast apps. There's an option now if you want to respond to us or talk to us, you can text us now via wherever you're listening. There's an option. So if you want to be part of the conversation, shoot us a message because we want to talk to
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Yeah.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:love
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:And we do listen because we just had the episode, the kin keeping episode, which one of our listeners asked us to talk or suggested we talk about. So like, whatever it is, like, we'll talk about it.
cheryl_1_06-05-2024_090825:and we're listening. right, guys, we'll talk to you next week.
colleen_1_06-05-2024_120825:Bye.
