We’re Doing this Right. Right?

Susie Returns: Navigating Middle Age, Aging Parents, and End-of-Life Preparedness

• Cheryl Medeiros, Colleen Hungerford, Susie Adamson • Season 2 • Episode 26

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The Urgency of Family Time and Preparing for End-of-Life: A Candid Conversation


In this heartfelt episode, Cheryl, Colleen and Susie discuss the importance of spending intentional time with loved ones, sharing personal stories of regret and gratitude. 

They emphasize preparing for end-of-life through estate planning, creating trusts, directives, and having difficult conversations about death and assets. 

With personal anecdotes about family health issues and the significance of recording family stories, this episode serves as a reminder to cherish and plan for our relationships with those we hold dear.


Book reference: Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End

RE Business Essential 1 day training Charleston, SC, November 11 or 12th, 2024

Instagram @SusieNJPA


00:00 Cherishing Time with Loved Ones

01:18 Vivian's First Camp Experience

02:39 Unexpected Bat Encounters

03:08 Shoutout to Betty Batty

04:07 Business Essentials Workshop

06:02 Middle Age and Health Challenges

08:03 Strength Training for Women

15:33 Recording Family Stories

17:38 Visiting Unwell Family Members

23:30 A Heart Attack and Family Conversations

24:48 The Importance of Planning Ahead

30:41 Creating a Will and Trust

42:19 Handling Family Dynamics and Grief

44:53 Lightening the Mood


susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I am so grateful actually to have a greater sense of urgency about her, because all take people for granted, whoever's in our life. And even though all know we should be more intentional about the time we spend with them, am so grateful that I do. I like have that like bright light clarity right now that that is my greatest. You know, that, that this is the most important thing that I have going on and I don't want to regret as I did with my dad. I don't want to regret having spent as much time with her as I can.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Oh, and we are here, and we are doing it right. Right, Colleen? Are you

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

We are, I'm doing it right. Vivian is, she was on she was at camp for two weeks and it was the first time she's ever been away from me that long and I picked her up this morning. So I'm just like, so

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

How old is she, Karen? Thank you.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

she's 10

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

and she got to sit in the front seat for the first time because now she is big enough...

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

drive home. So I'm so happy that she's back.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

looking forward to that age where we're buddies, and it's less like, You know, parenting. I mean, I know you still have to parent, but it's just a little bit less, like, on them for every, like,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

it fly through the screen?

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

I,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

no

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

think Sarah told us, Sarah Armstrong told us what? It was like about like transformation,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

and

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

rebirth. And I think we're just rebirthing. I'm saying amazing. But we both have bats in our house in the same day.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Yeah. Wild, right?

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

That's batty.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

It is batty. Speaking of batty, speaking of

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Oh, is this your batty? Yes. It's beautiful.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

all three of us in her newsletter. So Susie, okay, Susie Adams is here. Susie Adamson. Welcome back to the pod. Tell us what you sent us today. We were so excited to get this announcement from you,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yes, the amazing Betty Batty, who is a real estate agent extraordinaire with compass in the Annapolis area, who is partners with our friend, Kate Lisinski, who is part of our networking group,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

but is she

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

shout out.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

We have that, we'll come back to that, earmark that,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

separate joke. Yes.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Susie.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I got her agent newsletter today, which is so smart and takes a lot of work. And so kudos to her for that. gave us

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yay.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

you guys, this podcast as one of her should listen on her list, which yes, I echo that a hundred percent. And then she also gave shout out to our upcoming workshop before the compass retreat in November. So yay, Betty.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Well, and Susie, what's your upcoming workshop? What is it? What's it called?

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Look it. So

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

doesn't know.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Well, it's called business essentials. We are going to rebrand because that's we're told that that's too boring a name, but whatever

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Whatever, people.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

it is. I mean, it actually describes what it is, which is,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

matter of fact.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

essentials that you need to. Yeah. We're very realistic in our branding. It is me, my dear friends, Jennifer Vick and Eliza Michaels. And we have consolidated a very intense two day workshop into. A smaller, less intense two day workshop that will, actually it's a one day workshop, sorry, that's going to happen before the Charleston retreat. Compass Agents, where we're going to talk about that help you be less distracted and more focused. That's me. Things that will help you financially manage your business. That's Eliza. And then, Jen's specialty is how to prepare yourself to pass on your business or to buy someone's business.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

genius at that. So

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

So smart.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

fun.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Amazing.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

learned.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

let's tell a quick story about how, um, were telling me today that somebody should be a member of our CMC group. And I was like, wait, are a member,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Isn't

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

aren't they?

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

And

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

I thought I

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

had

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

was crazy.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Who? What? I missed this conversation. Tell me.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Go, Susie.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

was saying Betty should be part of CMC and she's partners with Kate and Cheryl thought I was talking about Kate. And she was like, wait, isn't Kate already part of CMC? And I was like yes.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Oh my god. Oh my god.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

grateful that she didn't think I was crazy, but she was actually the one that was crazy.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

So we're, we're

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

It's Friday now. It's Friday. That's what's happening. I think everybody's brain is fried and it's Friday. And

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

to go see a orthopedic specialist today, which has been long overdue, as both of you know. I mean, I asked him if this was menopause related. He said, it's just middle age. So yay for me, yay for all of us, middle age is it's, it's the pits. so physically speaking. And so he was asking me, I'll start the questions. And my answer to all of them were, was just like, I don't know. I don't remember when did it start? I don't know which side. I don't know. Both one. I don't know. What's your name? I don't know. Stop asking me these questions. Stop asking me questions.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

did they ask you when your last period was?

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

in.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Because that's always somehow relevant.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Oh God, thank God, but I do actually have to, well, this is why I have systems, you know. This is why I have processes, because my memory is for crap if I don't write things down, if I don't have a, you know, record of things, I don't know. I don't remember anything.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah. Cheryl, we're just looking at your boobs right now.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

You're welcome.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Um, yeah.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

everybody.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

So, what did the orthopedist say?

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

He didn't know, because he couldn't remember anything.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

had actually what, what he did say, I had done x rays for my hips and they did find mild osteoarthritis. It's very common for middle aged women. And Thankfully, it's not like anything major. Basically though, my problem is weak gluteal muscles.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Oh, okay. So, do some squats.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

weak butt,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

I

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

So I have to do some PT and all day long since my appointment, I've been clenching my butt.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

mean, I've been working on my butt muscles too, I've been, that's like,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

doing it right now. In fact, sitting here, I'm just clutching my

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Problem solved.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

yeah,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

job.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

mean, I think that that's something that I think gets more emphasized now for women who are in their early forties is to start strength training, but like that wasn't a thing 10 years ago to talk about strength.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

to say, I have, people have been telling me since I turned 50 and before then strength training, strength training, and I'm like, I don't want to. And know, it's also like strength training is a really broad category,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Nobody ever said to me, you need to like tighten your gluteal muscles or like strengthen your gluteal muscles. Like when I hear strength training, I think of like arms and legs. Like, I don't think, but you know,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

seriously, I have had some major hip issues in the past year. Like to the point of debilitating pain. And so all of you listening, mostly women those butt muscles because it's no joke.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

It's no joke. I mean, honestly, I started working with a trainer and started strength training in November. And we do mostly like hamstring glute because I was having hip pain and knee pain and that's mostly what we focus on and it's made a huge difference. So anyway, I'm glad you need to work on it. We'll

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

there with you

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

all just do some

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

butt clenches.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

butt strengthening.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

well, I'll just be strengthening my pelvic floor while you guys do that, which actually is related to the

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

It's related.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

glutes. There's a lot of conversation around that too, so we're here.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

is not what we're here to talk about, ladies and four gentlemen. So let's get started.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Now I think

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

we're going to talk Susie's Susie's got a topic that's near and dear to her heart and it's a little bit sad but Susie's taking it as a blessing. So I'm going to let you intro it Susie.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah, so my dad had Parkinson's many, many years and he lived in Pennsylvania for the last probably decade of his life. He passed away five years ago and you know, we would come down from New Jersey and visit it. I don't know, maybe once a month, maybe once every other month. And of course, toward the end of his life, when were clear that it was the end, I spent the last two weeks with him, which, I'm so grateful for. But to this day, I regret not having spent more time with him before that.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Mm-Hmm?

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

not really making enough time because it's a choice. It's always a choice, right? Like

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Sure.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I was so busy working. I was busy raising my kids. There was all, there are always reasons, you know, we love to say how busy we are. And I was busy, but I should have made more time and I regret that. And so my younger son graduated from high school and was leaving for college last year, our family made the decision to move from New Jersey to Pennsylvania, to be closer to my mom, who. That started living with my sister once my dad passed away and she's 84 now. She was 83 and last year But she's 84. That's legit old. I mean, that's

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

a long

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

You know at the time reasonably healthy no major issues just the old lady things and most recently a a month and a half ago. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and You It seems that it has either spread or it's also in her lung. Not great news. Having said that, she has a tremendous attitude. She feels very you know, the first month was rough just because we didn't know What the prognosis was exactly and what the treatment was going to be. So the unknown is always just no fun that that stage of season is just not a fun time. So that was a bummer. But once we kind of got to the place where she knew what was going on, which is immunotherapy, she's going to do that. She opted not to do chemo. And my sister and I are supportive of that because at this point, her, Her intention is not to prolong her life. It's just to have the best possible quality of life for whatever days and months and weeks and years she has remaining.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Right.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

said to me yesterday, she found out about someone who had had, who had survived, breast cancer for like three years or some period of time. And she's like, God, I hope that doesn't happen to me. I was like, yeah, I don't love that idea for you either. And you know, as much as it really like, it's hard for me to even talk about without crying. I'm super sad. about the idea of losing my mom. I was just saying to Cheryl, I am so grateful actually to have a greater sense of urgency about her, because all take people for granted, whoever's in our life. And even though all know we should be more intentional about the time we spend with them, am so grateful that I do. I like have that like bright light clarity right now that that is my greatest. You know, that, that this is the most important thing that I have going on and I don't want to regret as I did with my dad. I don't want to regret having spent as much time with her as I can. So I was talking to a friend whose father was just diagnosed with Parkinson's and I just said to her, here's some things I've learned and here's some things I'm putting into practice. We, I kind of bullied him into going to the Grand Canyon with us the year before he died. He really didn't want to because he didn't feel physically capable. He wanted to go, but he didn't want to be a burden. And I'm sure many people can relate to that sentiment from their parents or their loved ones. And, and, and I really, I just bullied him. I was like, no, you're not dead yet. You're going. And we forced him to go. We did a helicopter ride so that he could see the Grand Canyon. We actually benefited from him being with us because we got to do parts of the Grand Canyon that are only accessible to handicapped people,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Oh, wow.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

like buses go, but most cars aren't allowed to go. So we got closer to other areas and he freaking loved it. He said, On the helicopter ride. I dreamed of this since I came to the United States in 74 and to be able to do that for him, obviously, he's gone now. So, like, it wasn't for him so much as it was for the rest of us to have that memory with him

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

and, you know, those pictures. And just for my kids who were teenagers, then they just. still remember how they were able to help him as well and be there for him. So take vacations, like do have experiences with people before they're gone. And even when they protest, because they will, if they're not completely selfish, they will feel bad. Right. But, but make them because it was really a beautiful experience. And then the other thing. I learned is to record the stories. wish I had done that with my dad, but I am doing that with my mom. And we did that with my mother in law before she passed. I had used this book. I think it's called story worth. It's this I gave to them for Christmas, my, my in laws where the service sends them a bunch of questions and you can kind of edit the questions as well, but they're questions I wouldn't have thought of. Things like what was your first vehicle? I just really expected her to say like what car she had but she said her Tricycle and she like dug up all these pictures these old pictures and scanned them and like made that part of her story She really took the assignment seriously and when she passed away a couple of years ago, I've made cop, you know, they let you publish the book. Obviously, that's part of how they make their money. I made several copies, one for us, one for my sister in law, and then we had it out at the memorial and people were able to see all these stories that she had recollected. told people these things that like, otherwise she wouldn't have shared, do you know, like, who's going to talk about her first tricycle? Like, it was, but it was such a sweet story and I got this thing and this deck of cards you know, they sell them on Amazon or whatever. It's called people are human. it's one of my many social media purchases. And this one particularly has a Korean on one side and English on the other. So I can read it in Korean for myself. And then I hand the card to my mom. She can read it in Korean and she has. Recounted stories I'd never heard,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Wow.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

like what was your best vacation or whatever? And it's just been really sweet and I record them and share them with my sister and we're just, you know, I'm going to have that as memory. So the stories as much as possible for you and for your children. So those are two things that come to mind. What have you guys done with your family? I know, Cheryl, you just recently a

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Yeah, we're visiting. I've got some, got family that is unwell and will not be recovering from this. And just spent time. This person who I don't know has gone completely public with what's going on yet. He, he doesn't want to, you know, he, he took a trip that he wanted to take. We're just all taking turns going and spending time. He's always been private. He's, he doesn't, you know, he's comes and goes on his own schedule and he's still wanting to do that, but, When I was there on my last trip, we went over and he had some shows recorded about the gold country and gold mining in California near where we live here. And he wanted to watch that with me. And so that was nice to just sit and, and he's been that way my entire life. You know, he sat down and forced us to watch birds when we were kids, you know, the Alfred Hitchcock movie and we were terrified.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Oh, I thought you meant actual birds.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

No, the movie, the terrifying movie that he made a bunch of like eight, nine, 10 years old, terrified watching. And that was how he treated, you know, his siblings growing up to just scaring the shit out of them. So just spending time doing things he enjoys and just being near.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

think of, yeah, the other advice that I had. As soon as my dad died, cousin her dad, my uncle was, To the point where there weren't sure if he was going to make it, but he was in Korea and the three sisters weren't sure if they should go. And I said, go right now, go right now. Like, that is the advice I give to everybody. If you're not near your loved ones. Just go like if you think of it, go, you know, no, it's not financially feasible all the time, or it feels like huge sacrifice, but I just think if you can make it happen somehow, you should do it because it's much better to have spent the money. And I don't think you ever wish you hadn't, you know,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

You won't regret going,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah. Right.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

going.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

you will absolutely regret not going.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Yes, a hundred percent. We do that. You know, a lot. Alex's grandpa turned a hundred last a week or two ago, and had a couple trips to the hospital for things as you would think at a hundred years old. And every time it happens, it's Alex, go, go leave work and go work. We'll wait the money. Who cares? Just go.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

To add some levity, just so you know, I'm clenching my butt muscles right now, too, just as I think of it.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

He just turned 82. And he's very healthy right now. But he has stage four kidney disease and he's been able to like manage that with exercise. Like the man walks four miles every day. It's insane.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Okay. Okay.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

want me to start looking at the dialysis options. But he doesn't want to do dialysis and so he may choose to

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Okay.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

not do that, which then just like his kidneys don't work. So then it's just, you know, like, we don't know. And he had this goal. My nephew's effort is 16. he's got 2 more years of high school and he promised my sister that he would go to Paris and be there for Zephyr's graduation. And he said, he doesn't think he's going to make it. Which is like a weird reality. Cause he's like, fine. Right. You know, but, but it's to your point. Cause we had like this idea that we were going to take him to Paris and we're going to have this big trip. Or, and he also, you know, my sister wanted to take him to Denmark or something. And so I asked him, I was like, well, what about like the trip that you want to take? You know? And he was just like, well, I don't know. I don't know if I can do that anymore. And I was like, okay, like, so it's just really sucky, but also like, it's such a weird, you know, like a weird reality, like sitting here and like, he's fine, but like, he has always said to us that like, he doesn't want to live to be a hundred. Like that's, he's not interested in that. He's very much like when my body.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

understands.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

What?

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Susie understands. Susie doesn't want to live to be 100 either.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I, I don't want to live, I don't want to live past 80.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah, he's like, he's cool. Like, he's very much, like, fine with dying. And so I was asking, he was kind of like, we had to sit down and have these conversations about like, he's like, well, I need to add you to my bank account. And

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yep.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

ago and she didn't have anything set up and it was in my, one of my very dear friends, her dad passed away very suddenly. He had a heart attack. And she had no access to anything. I mean, they, they didn't even have access to his accounts to pay for his services and stuff like that. So I remember when I was young, my grandparents, his parents were very organized. Like my grandmother picked out the photo that she wanted at her memorial. You know, like she had every thing planned out and you know, I, I was very grateful for him. Sit down and have that conversation with me. And it, and it's funny because I'm, I'm the youngest of my three sisters or my, the three of us that are sisters. But I'm the only one that probably could have sat and had that conversation with him without like making it a, you know, and I, my sister doesn't listen. So, but I haven't told her yet. And it's like a, it's just. You know, I, to your point, Susie, when you were like that, that trip was for you guys. I was asking him like, well, what do you want to do? Like for your service? Like, is there something that you would like us to do? And he's like, he's like, do whatever you want. That's not about me. That's about you. And I was like, okay, but like, could you give me some direction? Because I don't want to have to make these decisions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We're good.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

thinking as you're talking about him you know, not wanting to do dialysis. I think every person listening should read the book being mortal if you haven't by Atul Gawande, which I wish I had read before my mother in law passed away, because it talks a lot about the medical Profession, industry, whatever, you know, doctors are, are also driven, they're, they're driven to do no harm, but in doing no harm, they often do harm because they're also trying to please the families and their sense of hope and keeping hope alive. often prescribe treatment that just prolongs suffering when it's not necessary. So I, I do think everyone should read that book, Being Mortal. The other thing you talked about no matter how well or how young your parents are, have the conversation as soon as possible about their matters there. And I actually took the time recently to create a Google doc of directions for my kids. Should something happen? Like, here's my one password. what would they do? Do you know what I mean? Like we have a will but like they would have no clue about our mortgage is like Like barely even understand what a mortgage is like make sure that you're not screwing your kids and that you're not screwed not having directions from your parents and There are a lot of parents who don't want to talk about eventual death, but it's gonna happen so like you need to say just You Please, for my sake, could you just, can we have this conversation just clinically, matter of factly, when this happens, hopefully not for a long time, can we please make sure that it's not going to be a nightmare for me? And I have had, I've recently asked my mom, could you please make a list of your favorite hymns that you want at your funeral? Like when my dad died, she took care of like who to invite and program, when she passes away. We're not going to have the benefit of that. And you know, I asked her, just like, could you help me out? just to your point, it's not to be about her. She's going to be gone. But like, you make it easier for us? Tell us, you know, what, what we, who do we, who do we need to call and what do we need to do? We don't even know who she knows. Like, thankfully she just gave me this like tattered piece of paper with her her Basically her phone book. It's just like double sided sheet of paper that my dad had printed out once upon a time that's like all water stain. And she asked me to make a copy and put in a new sleeve for her. And so now I have her, basically her phone book. So that when something happens, I'll at least, at least be able to start the phone tree.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

those matters are really important. Those conversations you should have early, early on. You just never know.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

I've been really encouraging my husband to have those conversations with his parents especially because there's 4 siblings. And I think that that makes it challenging, right? When they're, you know, when you never know how somebody is going to. Respond to death and the grieving process and what that means. My in laws are dealing with this now. My husband's grandfather passed away at a hundred. And there were seven siblings and there's been a lot of upset and a lot of family division about what to do with his assets and what to do with his stuff and how things are handled. And. Even though things, some things were outlined, like other things weren't, and people get weird about about grief. Right? And, and what that means. And I think it also then sometimes falls on whoever the oldest is, right? And then they feel there's responsibility. My situation is reversed. But you know, I tell this story, it's kind of funny, not funny. It's funny. When I was pregnant with Vivian, so 11 years ago, my dad had a huge cyst on his liver so much though, that it like, I was four months pregnant with Vivian and he looked more pregnant than I did. And I had, and I was in San Francisco, he was living in San Francisco. So I took him to the ER and I mean, it's been 11 years where I'm like, dad, we need to have like a medical director. Like we need to have these things. And he He wouldn't let me be in charge because I wasn't the oldest. And it was really interesting when I, when I tell him this story afterwards, he's like, did I say that? I'm like, yeah, dad, you did. And he's like, I must have been on morphine when I said that, that's crazy. And I'm like, but we were all in the hospital and you know, like I have the most medical background of anybody in my, of my siblings. And so my sister was asked, my older sister was asking me like, what's happening with dad? Is dad going to die? I'm like, I don't know. I'm also like, In San Francisco general with like the meth heads in the ER, like with open wounds and I'm pregnant and like dad's saying that I'm not in charge. So I cannot stress enough, like how important this, these conversations are to have as soon as possible. I mean, it's just, it's so important. Cause I just, I don't know what,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah. Yes.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

has a trust in place. So here's my 12 years in commercial insurance coming out because one of the things we did would was to urge our business owners to see a state planning and succession planning attorneys. So I got to sit in a million of these meetings. So. You need to have a trust attorney. I don't care if you don't think you have enough assets to need a trust, you need a trust because you can escape a lot of fees and probate and taxes by having that in a trust is going to make your

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Silence. Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

your beneficiaries life easier. So a trust attorney the trust attorney should be putting literally every asset you have, your bank accounts, your retirement accounts, everything into that trust so that your family has access to those things right away upon death,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

yeah, yeah.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

So let's say that you're in an accident and you no longer can think or you get dementia and you no longer can you know, decide things for yourself that gives people access to your things to be able to make decisions on your behalf right away.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

talking

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

estate planning attorney can put all of those things in place for you. The healthcare directives. Do you want to stay on a ventilator? Do you want life support? You should get to be the one that to make those decisions. You know, we see on the news. the time, these people that are on life support and mom and like boyfriend, girlfriend are fighting over who gets to decide if they stay or, or spouse, you know, gets to decide who,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

husband, I've had to have very clear conversations. He is. The type of man that would want to wait for a miracle. And I don't want to be there. I don't want to be on life support waiting for a miracle, not because I'm worried about what I would be feeling because I would imagine I'd be a vegetable in that state. And I am probably not feeling anything. don't want to drag on their suffering waiting for the miracle because. In my personal opinion, we can't start grieving until it's over. like this purgatory in between like the waiting for me personally, the waiting is torture. I just like, let's go with the bandaid. Let's just start it. If we're not going to get better, let's just

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

yes. So like I've had,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

said that to my husband to yeah, like I, it's so important to me to be an organ donor. If I

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Thank you.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

where you have to decide, please do not compromise the ability for me to donate my organs.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Thank you.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

obviously people's priorities are different.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I have said like, you know, honey, if you can't make this decision, make sure I've told my kids from the time they were teenagers. that's not strong enough, one of you, one of you has to make sure that my, my organs are viable

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

can help somebody.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

And I think some of these things change and to your point, Cheryl, like having these, but also updating them too, right? Like,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

know, for me.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

major happens in your life, change it. And you write that trust as if you were to die tomorrow. This is so morbid and I'm sorry everybody, but you write the trust as if you were to die tomorrow. You make the decisions based on if this were to happen tomorrow, these are the people that I want in place for these things. And It is very, very simple to update those documents. You call your attorney, email your attorney and say, actually, you know, the biggest thing for us is our guardianship. Like who's going to have our kids if something

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

us, like maybe today it's my mom, but maybe tomorrow my mom Is doesn't have the same amount of energy that I would want for someone raising my kids to have. So maybe tomorrow it's my sister, or maybe, you know what? I, it's really important for me that my kids stay in this community that they've been raised in. So now it's actually my friend, but my cousin's really good with money. So my cousin's going to manage the money. You know, there's a different person for all of these jobs and you designate all those people. It's super important. And you can designate who gets access to like, who can you be told by the doctor what's going on with you when you're in the

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Now, Yes.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

about like what song is really important for you at your funeral. You could do, you could go as far as you want to on these things.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

You know, I have a binder. My attorney has everything in their office. Also an estate planning attorney. I hope they have a succession plan. I hope you're not hiring the one old man in your town who has no other attorney in his office because what happens when When you outlive him and he has no succession plan and now your files are just like in storage somewhere waiting for someone, you know, that's something to consider when you're hiring an estate planning attorney. Do they have a succession plan themselves? Are there two attorneys on every deal? I think that's an important thing. My au pairs, I tell them where our binder is here at the house.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

at the same time the binder. It's right here in this cabinet and this has all the information

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

want to go back to you saying, you know, you've said twice now that this is morbid and words are so important to me. just, I want to call that out because I do think this is a sentiment that a lot of people have that talking about. Our eventual death is morbid,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Mhm.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

death is the only certainty. This is the

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

and taxes.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

for sure, for sure

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

to happen. It's not like we're imagining our demise. It is a certainty. It is going to happen at some point. And we all know horrible. where is untimely, right? That it comes before you expect it. So to me, I feel like, yeah, there are a lot of people who are afraid to talk about it or don't want to talk about it. They just, they don't want to think about it. I don't know. I just don't get that

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

It's not an if, it is a when.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

it's a, when it's a, when, so like, you know, Prepare for it now when you're clear of mind, when it is not an inevitability, hopefully for many of us, it might be for some of our listeners. I hope not. But then the second thing you mentioned is the jewelry. So important because when my mother in law passed away, I really wanted this one necklace. And it was like, Super important. Of course, her daughter got it. Absolutely reasonable. But my mom, you know, had these like particular pieces of jewelry that my sister and I were like, no, I'm getting that. No, I'm getting, had this conversation for like 10 years now. She took it. sister took it in advance proactively so that I don't get it. And that's fine. She's

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

You can proactively go back and take it out of her house.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Like, but I'm just thinking like, yeah, I've never had that conversation with my kids. Like.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

my wedding rings? You know, like,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Well,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

they divide up these things?

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

my, I tell you, my grandparents, my grandparents were like, so on this. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because he was in the military, like he was in the military. So this was something that was more, I will tell you that like when I was 12, my grandma was like, come over to the China cabinet and pick out the pieces you want. I'm going to put your name on them. And I was like, okay. And so everybody came and we called out and I have it, the pieces that I have,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

he was so on it.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

better than fighting over it afterwards. Right?

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Absolutely. I was like, no, no. I like, those are mine. Those are my cordial glasses. What am I doing with that? I have no idea. But when I was 12, I really thought they were, they were cute, but I just like, what a great example she set of like, this is going to happen. We're going to handle this shit now. Like, we're just doing it. And it wasn't weird. And. What's interesting is that, like, my grandfather was, was Navy, and he was also a Mason, so he was, which is like, you know, like a whole cool secret society thing. So there were very specific rules about their funeral setup, right? And then my grandmother was a, Eastern star, which is like the wives of the mason. So she had a very specific funeral procedures set up as well. And I think, you know, if you're very religious, there are that, but I think there's a lot of people now who are, who don't have that. And that is where it becomes tricky as a, As a child or a person who's

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

That's

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

you, what you want. And if you don't care, he, but he's like, Oh, I don't care. He's like, but I swear to God, do not call it a celebration of life. I will be so mad. And I was like, so you do care, right? Like,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

hilarious.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

but it's interesting. Like, it's so important. And to your point, Susie, of like, having these conversations in, you know, like, maybe in times where it's not distress, right? Or it's not,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

it's always going to be maybe emotional, but, but not an emotional distress state of a, like, feeling like impending doom.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

And also you mentioned, you know, when you're grieving, you're not of right mind to make these decisions. It's much like when I tell people. expecting parents after you give birth, please, for the love of God, do not trust your feelings

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

No.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

your feelings are not the truth. They're not generally the truth anyway, but like, especially right after you give birth, your hormones are so out of whack.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

You should not rely on. Those like post glasses that you're wearing and like sort of color everything with rage For me it was rage. Rage! know after my dad died, I definitely experienced grief brain There was a like a season where I and my sister and I had a big fight while we were cleaning out our Our parents house because we're both exhausted and grieving and you know, and so, yeah, it's not the time to be making any kind of decisions. And yet you have to make a lot of decisions, try to front end them if you can. So you're not like, you know, arguing about the China cabinet.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

contents of the China cabinet while you're both where you're, you know, you and your siblings and all that your loved ones are just in that state of emotional distress.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

I had the gall the other day to ask my mother in law if everything was handled for her at end of life.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Good.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

And in, you know, because it's coming on the tail of like, we've had a lot of death in that on their side of the family. And I'm. You know, I'm like, okay, you've bought your, like, which cemetery do you want? Okay. You've bought your plot. Okay. Have you also bought, like, did you buy the end of life? Like insurance? Yes. You bought that. Okay. There's a life. Okay. Like tell me everything. So, cause realistically it's probably going to be me.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Well, and, and that brings up another point too often is the women. We're having this conversation right now. I just texted my husband while we're talking. We need to talk to your dad about a power of attorney and making sure his assets are in a trust, but he needs to have that conversation.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yes.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

going to have that. I mean, I've been married for 24 years, but I'm not going to have that conversation with my father in law. I don't want him to be thinking like I'm planning for his death, but like my husband should certainly be having that conversation with him.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Yeah, I think another interesting aspect to this is and I don't know, it is like the, the people who don't have good relationships with their parents and how they have to deal with that. And like, you know, estranged relationships with parents, like that is what, like, that's a challenge, you know?

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Yeah.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

And

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Cheapest box you've got, please.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

yeah, but, but then you're dealing, like, talk about, like, I know, like, my mom and her dad had not a great relationship, but when he passed away, like that was still, there were so many emotions and so many feelings and there's still grief and there's grief that that manifests in a lot of different ways. And it also became like a, A challenging situation between the siblings, right? Because

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

Mm hmm.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

she's the oldest, but then like, you know, wasn't really there because the situation was not great, you know? And I think there's, there's a lot, there's so much to this. And I think, you know, there's not a lot we can do about

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

a

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

you know, not that I ever, I think that I'm going to have a strange relationship with my children, but I think as parents now, it's something so important. We continue to think about like, That we just have this set up for our kids, that we just have the easy button, you know, ready to go. Because like, I just, you know, very candidly, and I don't know if she still listens, but my mom and I have not talked in over a year and like, I don't, she's old, you know, like, and I don't know, that would be very challenging and I would have to,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

This makes me think of what you guys talked about in the last episode, get professional help.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

yeah,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

like if you are in a situation where certainly there's so many people who have not great relationships with their parents. No one has a perfect relationship with their parents, but like, if you have like a, you know, a situation where when they die, when they die, it's gonna, you're gonna have to deal with all this stuff and, you know, plus,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

yeah,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

so,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

plus, plus, plus,

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

ideally, you get ahead of some of that stuff because it's gonna happen. Right? So sorry, Colleen.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

that is what it is. Make sure you're squeezing your butt and

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

lighter. I promise.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

And

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

I hope you have some fun.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

muscles.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Yes.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

make sure there's not a bat in your house, or maybe make sure there is a bat in your house because it's good luck. Transformation. Um, you

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

wish for that though. Just so you know,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Yeah.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

I wouldn't love that for me.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

you wouldn't love that. I didn't really love it for me when we had to like, David and I had to go down to the basement and like see if the bat was still there. We did not find it by the way. So,

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

levels spiked for a little bit while we were shooing it out of the house. The kitty

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

we just, we just

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Thank you,

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

gone to the basement in days. We just shut the door. Oh my god. Okay.

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

Thank you for coming back.

colleen_1_06-28-2024_141326:

Thank you, Seth.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

for having me. Love you

cheryl_1_06-28-2024_111325:

talk to you soon all. Bye.

susie-adamson_1_06-28-2024_141325:

bye.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Cheryl Medeiros

Co-host
Head Shot

Colleen Hungerford

Co-host